Been a lot lately

When life gives you lemons, you are supposed to make lemonade, right?

Well, I don't know about you but I have been holding onto those lemons for a long, long time and am now just realizing that I may have been looking at it all wrong.

So I hold a lemon in my hand, inspect it, and crush it. One by one I am making me some lemonade, just not as progressively as others.

I have spent the last couple of years in what I can only describe as a state of denial. I denied I had a gambling problem, I denied that I was content with my work and my living situation. I looked for escape routes where ever I could find them and I left the country or went to casino or went to Duluth or I just went into more denial and put it all in the back of my brain.

But something wonderful has happened to me as of late. I have done some growing up and realize that it is okay to be 34 years old and it is okay to work where I work, even if it isn't the dream job.

I have also spent a lot more time not letting people run my life for me. These past three days I have planned my life for me, not for anyone else. I called friends who I haven't seen in a while and took a walk out in the cold. I pulled the camera out of the dust. I cleaned things in my apartment that need cleaning. I went through my computer and cleaned out things that I didn't need.

I wrote a play a couple of years ago called "Late Bloomer." It is about someone who traces back through his life only realize all of his missteps make him a stronger person, or at least the person he is. It is partly autobiographical in that I always want to apologize to people for having been who I was when I was that person. So, for every dumb thing I said or did, I wanted to apologize.

But is that how life should go? Should we have to apologize when we are self-conscious or when we actually do things in a malicious manner? I take the later, as it does not benefit one to beat themselves up for their past. I have done plenty of that and, in turn, have denied myself who I could be. It have me an easy out and I was able to not try as hard because, well, I didn't feel deserving of success. But that is going to change. Enough feeling like I don't deserve better. I am better. I am awesome. Screw those that don't understand that or want to put me down to make themselves feel better.

Now is the time to seize my life, make my decisions and make me happy. Good luck to me...

Forecast depressing

Okay, here is the skinny:

I have written a play. I wrote it seven years ago. I re-wrote about 13 more times since then. I have had three readings and have submitted it to several contests around the country. No one has bit.

So I decided, back in August or so, that I would do it my damn self. I had saved some money and found a place to play it and started looking for a director and actors and began putting more and more money away.

Then I held the audition. Only a handful of people showed up and, though we found some people, it didn't fill out the cast. Speed bump one...

Then I made Cory audition and I guess that opened up a can of worms I wasn't expecting. Speed bump two hit this evening when I was informed that I do not have him as my lead because of a lack of faith.

After all this, I am hit with the notion of failure. I have failed to secure the location, failed to secure a cast and just can feel the fail coming on like a bat out of hell.

Am I just being a big baby? I sure hope not.

Putting my apartment back together

Okay, here is the skinny:

Over the past summer my apartment has fallen apart on many levels. The first was a gutter problem that forced water to enter my apartment through my bedroom wall. I didn't find out about the leak until it had destroyed a couple of things in my bedroom (and pissed me off to no end).

The second is Cory's shower, which, I guess, has been leaking between the tiles for quite some time. So Cory has been without a shower now for 3 weeks. Oh, if you didn't know, we each have our own bedrooms, albeit mine is in the public area.

Two weeks ago the third catastrophe hit our apartment when our dishwasher stopped working properly. So, now I am a manual dishwasher. Awesome!

well, some good news came our way. The gutter got fixed and the hole patched. This morning I put the bookcase back into place (it is 7 feet tall and weighs a ton). Now I can see out of all of my windows again!

Cory got a call this morning that I can only assume meant that they would be starting on his shower soon. And, on Wednesday, they should be coming in to work on the dishwasher.

This is the last, I repeat, last year I will live in this apartment. I don't care if they were to paint the walls, put in new cupboards or colored carpet. This is year number four and I haven't lived anywhere this long since becoming an adult. Besides, Edina is okay but it is not the urban life I dreamt of. I want my latte from across the street. Same with a pizza or a bar (if I ever decide to drink heavily). I just need things to be within walking distance, that's all. And character. My apartment has no character and a crappy, slow elevator to go to my car.

But the bookcase is back in place and my room looks less like a construction zone.

Peace.

Consumerism: Spend less

This morning I logged into my Wells Fargo account and did something I like to do with my "my money" week income: I paid down my bills and transferred money to my credit card.

I know this is something one should do all of the time but it took me longer than most to really build up a head of steam. You see, for most of my adult life, I have been in love with the trappings of making money rather than the eventual having of money for a future expenditure.

It all started when I bought my most extravagant purchase in my adult life: My television. Forty-two inches diagonal, 1080p and having all the bells and whistles one could ask for, I struggled for weeks with the intention of purchasing an LCD television. One day, on a whim, now it seems, I went to the store and took out an interest-free, three-year loan to buy an $1,800 television (including warranty and DVD player). But that's when it hit me.

Most of the last couple of years, finally achieving constant employment and a steady income, I finally realized I made a big mistake. I didn't need this television. And, if the television lasts for 10 years, it cost nearly $200/year to own it. What the hell was I thinking?

Compounding it with my recent love of cycling, another $2,000 spent this summer, and gambling, $3,500/year on average, and it's no wonder that I am debt-laden and pondering the life of minimalist.

What it all comes down to is that, after years of bad habits, I realize I got caught up in an expensive lifestyle. Thank goodness I make enough money to have this lifestyle but it has buried me. I owe more money, at present, than I make in a year (including student loans). I realize that, at minimum payments, I could only knock my debt down by $3,000 in the next year. Only $3,000! Meanwhile I would be paying $2,400 in interest over that time!

Most people who find themselves in over their heads try to change when it is too late. Not me. I started a couple of months ago. Any extra money I have in a month is going to be broken up as such: Additional $10/month to television, $50 extra to credit card, $50 to savings and changing the minimum payment to student loan by $25. Hopefully, in a year (or less) I have no television payment, cut my credit card by 1/3 and, finally, got my total debt below my annual pre-tax income.

Let's just hope I don't want some new toy. So far, so good.

Peace.

My billion-dollar idea

After a recent trip to the area known as Duluth, I have come up with a plan to make the best place on Earth.

Okay, maybe not the best place on Earth, since I haven't been many places, but it could be the best place to come along in a long time.

I started by contacting the mayor of Duluth, who hasn't written me back yet, about an idea to revitalize the area and make Duluth one of the best places to live.

Okay, I am beating around the bush a bit but I am tired. The idea is pretty simple and holds very little risk. What you do is you take the existing land in Duluth and you take all of the open spaces in the harbor and all of the open office spaces you can think of and zone them "Green." This would mean that only companies that follow the idea of making eco-friendly products could build in them.

Secondly, you convince companies, both established and startup, to move their assembly and production to Duluth. Utilizing tax incentives and lower the price of slip space, you attract eco-minded companies to the new "friendliest port in the world."

Once you convince them to come, you have the depressed workforce create the facilities and new infrastructure necessary to house factories and ship-building areas in the harbor. All of this could be done with a little elbow grease, a lot of determination, and little money on the part of the city.

The idea would be to create a win-win situation for Duluth and the world. If it succeeds, and, as I see it, it could not lose, we gain a port of excellence where not only do we revitalize a depressed area but we also create a model for the rest of the world to follow.

I am very enthusiastic about this and I think that it would cost very little on the part of the city and would add jobs, do good for the world, and bring pride to an area that deserves it.

Let's just hope I get a chance to be heard.

October musings

I haven't written in a while and that is okay because I haven't really been in the mood.

But since I last wrote I have ventured to Duluth where I revisited my past and helped my current perspective, got sick and did something political (other than gripe about it).

First off is the trip to Duluth. Gone were some of my former haunts and changed were my beloved campus of my early 20s. The house I last resided in, with Cory, my roommate, was abandoned and is probably in foreclosure. Looks pretty much how it did 9 years ago when I left. The campus has been updated and upgraded with more consumerism is mind yet, it seems, less of an academic feel. I found it funny when, asking for the use of a pen, a young student did not have more than one writing tool in his bag. So what does this young academic do when he loses his one pen? Huh? Tell me! (As a waiter I carry 6 pens and a marker).

What struck me as great about the journey was that, eventhough I was a tourist, I felt I could have easily acclimated to the city if I so chose to move back.

And then was getting sick. The morning after my trip I awoke to feeling like crap and decided to sleep most of the day and most of the following day. I did go to work and finished my shifts but I was so out of it, last night, that I felt like I wasn't there. I rarely fall ill, maybe once every other year, but this was definitely not a fun one.

As far as political participation, I went canvassing for the Obama campaign. It was fun and I also met a nice guy named Ben who works in the entertainment industry so I made a possible future ally. We'll see, though.

All in all, it has been an interesting week. I am beginning preparation for my first production this January and Ben gave me a good idea to have a party to raise money for the production. We'll see how that goes.

Peace.

Failure is the only option

I have been introspective as of late and I don't like it. Of course, I am introspective most of the time. It's just that it is the thoughts of how my life has gone and the fear of how it will go that makes me sad.

You see, I pile upon myself all of my failures. I look at my life through a negative lens most of the time instead of looking at all of the good I do. That way I can pretend to be a martyr.

The fact that I have accomplished much and don't seem to notice it makes me feel like it might be time to get a therapist. I have traveled to parts of the world, finished college, stayed out of jail, wrote many works of fiction and many works of non-fiction. I haven't killed anybody and tried not to kill many living things, even the house centipedes that have invaded my apartment as of late. And yet the unfinished projects, the unfinished life, the times I tired of the things I have attempted, all surround my neck with anchors.

This morning I remembered going to the football team in college and trying to walk on. The only problem was that I started and gave up. Sure, I had never played organized football in my life but I was naturally gifted with size and good hands. I could get faster and stronger and I was still young. I could have learned how to play but, instead, I stopped showing up. So, even if I had failed to make the cut, I could have said I tried. That was 13 years ago and yet I find myself thinking about it today.

This past summer I bought a bicycle and started riding constantly. I put 600 miles in so far. I am done yet but I am already afraid that I will quit or grow tired of it. If I work harder at it, I could go into the races. If I don't then I can say that I just like to ride. I guess this is my chance to show up and try again, try to stick it out when it gets tough.

But, so far, my life has been a lot of failure in that the things that are difficult, the big decisions, I have avoided. So here I sit, wondering if it will ever be different... Stay tuned.

Cory's Music video

Cory has made another magnificently weird video. I hope you enjoy it.

Oil pricing

Turns out that oil speculation is the reason for the price fluctuation in recent memory. You see, big investors bought and sold enough shares of the commodity to send the prices up to $145/barrel in July and sold enough to have it drop below $104/barrel today.

The government claims it is going to try and curb this trend but isn't it a bit late for that? Shouldn't we all be issued some sort of refund and those that took profit have to pay for it? Just a thought.

Getting to that "good place"

I have never been one who was good at self-forgiveness. I always felt that I was extra flawed, which is funny because the judgmental side of me looks at the actions of others and shakes his head.

But the truth is that I beat myself up a lot, and for no good reason. I mean, yes, if you mess people over or go out of your way to intentionally hurt someone, you are a jerk and need to do some good old-fashioned soul searching.

But that is not why I am having difficulty with self-forgiveness. You see, I come down hard on myself for all of the little dumb things I do. Then, instead of truly learning that it is not the worst thing in the world, I go through a cycle where it takes me days of feeling like crap until I get over the action.

Last night is a perfect example: I was dealing with a table that happened to order a drink that we ran out of on the tap. I offered them some free beverages in lieu of the fact, which they gladly accepted, and then proceeded to discount a different item on their bill to offset the cost. Now, what I should have done was taken the drinks themselves off but I, for some dumb reason, took off a different item that cost nearly as much.

The thing went bad when I tried to explain my strange method and the table got mad at me. They wished to speak to a manager about it but, stupidly, I did not get the manager involved but took off the drinks and the item and so they got a lot free that night.

Well, of course, I got zero tip and that sinking feeling that they were going to call the store after they left. They did not but they still could.

So, you can see why I feel bad. I did it the wrong way and it bit me in the ass. And so I sit here, the next day, dreading and additional pain.

I always look at things from worst-case scenario. The worst case is that my actions, the not getting the manager involved, will lose me my job. A job I do not love, mind you, but it helps to pay the bills.

But it is not healthy, according to WebMD, to not forgive yourself for making mistakes, no matter how trivial. It usually takes a good shift to make up for that isolated moment. What is even sadder is that, the next table, they didn't read the menu correctly and ordered the more expensive of the two sizes of wines. Usually, and I mean 99 percent of the time, people order the size they want. This table didn't notice that there were two prices, even though they were looking at the wine menu, and wanted to "pay" for the 1/2 glass but did, indeed, drink the full glass. So, an isolated incident made it worse.

Nonetheless, it was an okay night with okay money. I just wish that I had not being so anxious and done the right thing. I guess that's all a part of learning.

Sarah Palin is going to be outed as a liar

Today a bomb got dropped on the McCain-Palin ticket: Bristol Palin is 5 months pregnant. You know what? I honestly believe it is her second child. Why? Well, there is a lot of evidence pointing to her "younger sibling" Trig being her child, not her brother.

But who knows, really? Sarah Palin, her daughter, and Jesus?

My problem is that she is a huge hypocrite. Being a parent, to me, means that you practice what you preach. You want to let your underage daughter get pregnant? Then don't act like you are so perfect. Republicans act like they know better all the time. It pisses me off. If that want to point at liberals and say that we think we are so smart, then start behaving like you want others to behave.

People are going to "forgive" the actions of Palin and her daughter but it smells, to me, like a cover up. That's too bad. It means that, if the truth were to come out, then McCain not only picked a crappy running mate but women, in the Republican party, will lose even more traction.

I just wish that this wasn't such a pathetic story.

Does my stomach make me look fat?

Inspired by the bicycle in which I lap the Twin Cities, I am working toward a goal of dropping to around 200 lbs. by the end of the year.

How will I do this, you may ask?

Well, first off, I have emptied my cupboards of candy and snack food. No more chocolate and no more cookies. I am also not getting the rare candy bar on the way home or the fast food route.

I looked at my stomach, well, all of the time. It has never been as flat as it could be and I can see the signs of muscle underneath, many due to cycling a lot this summer.

But the trick to being a better cyclist is not lightening up the bike, perhaps, but in lighting up the rider. The average Tour de France rider, while being 5'9", is also 160 lbs. I am 222.5. I could shed 10 pounds easily and healthily if I really want to and I really want to. This is the first time, in a long time, that I am close to the 220 barrier. If I can drop below it will give me enough confidence to get to 210 and, hopefully, 200. According to ancient statistics, the idea weight for someone my height is 188. Really? I like to lift weights, thank you, and I don't plan on atrophying my body so I think I can just increase the burn.

Well, wish me luck.

And... GO OBAMA!!!

Re-writing the play

Here I sit with a script in one hand and a coffee in the other. I am going through a time of not finishing any plays, a new thing for me.

I am working on them, I swear, but this is also a time to revisit first drafts and make revisions. The play I am editing right now is called "The Bond." It is a play about a young girl who tries to kill herself but fails and must deal with the unraveling through therapy and the reasons behind her choice. A real comfy story, huh?

Anyway, the first couple scenes were terrible. I made so many changes right away that I was worried that it was going to be a total rewrite. However, it has gotten better so I will keep going.

The problem with writing a first draft is that you are simply trying to get all the thoughts down and finish the idea off. That takes a lot of time and energy. Most times I put the draft away for at least a year and move onto something else. This time I pulled out one of them and the pain begins again because it is now you, later on, and all of your new experiences have to deal with how you were when you wrote it originally.

But you do it. You spend even more time, literally, going line-by-line, pages after pages, marking it up and, hopefully, you get the draft done... Until you do it all over again another year or so later.

So, right now, I am slogging through the script, hoping that, by editing, I will draw inspiration for the next play I will finish. My goal was to have at least five done by this time but I have the big zero done. Pretty sad, if I do say.

Ow! Sore...

Yesterday I pushed myself, once again, harder than ever. Last week I went for a 33-mile ride around the Twin Cities. As fun as that was, I was in a good deal of pain for days, having shoehorned the ride between tough shifts at work.

Yesterday was really no different.

I had just come off of four shifts, over the weekend, where I was pretty beat up. So what do I do? I jump on my bike! The beginning was tough going. The legs didn't respond well, at first, and you have to uncreak the creaky.

I headed from my apartment to Hopkins, a new route I had done the prior week, only I went farther. I ended up riding through a construction zone, the first of a couple that day, and I added about a mile to the route.

After cruising to Minnetonka Blvd, a great, smooth stretch until you get to the Kenwood Trail, I was feeling much stronger and my speed was better. Oh, before I forget, there are hills in Hopkins that are just brutal for riders, especially at the beginning of a ride.

So, anyway, I decided, this time, to head into downtown. Little did I know the trail ends near the Target Center due to the Twins Stadium construction. Riding in the city is more daunting because of the cars. Lovely! Then I ran into the gravel machines ruining my smooth roads (Road bikes and gravel don't mix).

The ride got better as I caught the path along the river and over the Stone Arch bridge. Beautiful view of the mill ruins, the Guthrie and, of course, the new I35W bridge. I rode over to the middle of the bridge next to it and stopped at the plaque in the middle. I had brought a granola bar, which I inhaled, and continued on to South Minneapolis where I wove my way through to the West River Parkway. It is is nice ride, although the tar paths are pretty cracked (once, again, not road bike friendly).

About the time I got to Minnehaha Falls, I was nearing 30 miles. Understand that my previous week's ride was 33 miles and I wasn't close to home by a stretch. You can catch a wicked fun path along the creek from there. At 30 miles I stopped at Super America and filled up on power bars and a Gatorade and refilled the 24 oz. bottles I use. Oh, if you can get ice, get ice. Cold water on a ride is so much more refreshing.

When I got closer to home I decided to go back to Lake Harriet since I was too close to home to get 40 miles in. This adds about 3 miles if you play it right. When I got on the path I noticed a familiar bike: The same model I ride. I had to pass him and pay him an ironic comment, which was well-met, and then proceeded to kick some ass for a mile ahead.

The rest of the ride was uneventful. I usually try to do a sprint at the end of a ride but I was pretty worn out. As I got to the half-mile point I decided I needed to exceed 40 miles so I took a turn and added an unnecessary mile to the end of the run.

That night the pain truly sunk in and, as I am typing this, I am smarting quite a bit. Yeah! And I have to work tonight!!!

I went shopping to get some recovery aides. I bought some protein bars and some gels and some protein pills because, frankly, I am in for the long haul of being a rider.

By next weekend I want to go over the 50 mile mark in a single ride. My odometer is at 380 miles so far. I want to hit 500 or 600 by September. All of this at the young age of 34 with little riding prior. All I can say is awesome.

Peace.

Dear Hollywood: Stop destroying my memories!

Somewhere in Los Angeles is a little, tiny video store. It is filled to the ceiling with great popcorn movies but goes little noticed in the everyday world of large video stores and rental boxes... Until now.

This tiny video store has been discovered by the desperate young Hollywood producers and they plan on remaking pretty much every movie from the 1970s and 80s as they can find.

The latest example was found on the Hollywood Stock Exchange (HSX), a game I have played religiously since 2000. The initial public offering for the day is a movie called "Red Dawn." You remember that movie, right? High schoolers try to stave off an invasion of the Soviets? Funny thing is that it worked mostly because of the Cold War and the fear of communism. Now how would that work?

To me, it isn't the idea of a remake that kills me... Okay, yes it it. Usually a remake is less entertaining and forgets the original charm that made us like the movie or song in the first place. Yes, I don't limit my distain for remakes to movies. At work they play a long-play CD and there are some remakes of songs that need not be remade for any reason ever. The reason you remake something is to add to it, right? If you add nothing then you are just using nostalgia to make some money. Bastards!

Yes, this summer we were treated to some remakes and some bastardizations of our childhood (Transformers, anyone?) that will essentially make us loath our childhoods (G.I. Joe movie, Robotech movie). It's just a shame that Hollywood thinks only that we want to have our past retooled for today's audience. We don't. We want our memories. We just want this generation to make their own. (Oh crap, I forgot about Miley Cyrus. My bad).

Peace.

Franken Rally: Herding the sheeple

This morning I am sitting inside of a coffee shop in St. Louis Park, awaiting the arrival of one Mr. Al Franken, candidate for U.S. Senate. Outside there are throngs of people awaiting a stump speech that, I am sure, will make them applaud and cheer and have just a great time.

When I got here there were several people in Franken T-shirts and holding Franken signs. Now the patio of the coffee shop is filled with Franken supporters.

While I am a supporter of Franken, in that I am likely to vote for him and read his books, I am feeling like the whole rally is full of the converted just wanting to touch the candidate. Or they are people that want to touch fame.

My aunt may or may not have coined the phrase "sheeple." It is what she calls people who blindly follow who will ever show them the way. If you are able to force sway on these folks, you could get a lot done.

I am a follower in so far that I want things done on my behalf but things that benefit society as a whole, not just a select few. If a politician can get things done for all then I am in full support. This is the ideal of the Democratic Party that I want. The Republicans, well, it's all for one and none for you, unless you have deep pockets.

Most of the people who are here right now look to be those that just want to be next to famous people. Sure it will also bring in their votes, if they do bother to vote, but it will also give them that sense of importance that they seem so desperate to have in their lives.

This election season I am not putting on bumper stickers or yard signs or really do anything other than talk about the issues as I know them. That's what a voter should be doing, not blindly waving their banners. Just watch the Daily Show and see a media member rip them apart. Those that blindly follow go over the cliff. I, for one, don't want to be with them.

So, as the rally goes on and we hear the rhetoric, that which we force our candidates to spout in the information age, it is to do our own homework, learn about what is important to us, and forget about rallies. They only preach to the choir of sheeple.

The biker wants more

After a rather strenuous ride this past week, I am now debating whether to spend more money on my bike. I have bought most of the accessories a rider could use, one who goes for exercise runs, and I am finding that I would like better stuff for the bike, not necessarily a better bike.

I love my bike. It isn't necessarily the best bike on the road and the Le Tour de France riders would more than likely laugh at me if we lined up at the starting line together but I like it. It is comfortable for distance riding (I average 20 miles a ride) and it still looks cool.

But there is always that itch in me that I want more. So now it may be time to open the wallet and just give in. I was told, today, that I could reduce the weight overall and I could upgrade the wheels to give it an even better speed feeling but do I want to spend a bunch of money on this bike or save it toward another bike? After all, bikes cost what they do and the components just get better on every model.

Now, don't think that I am going to move to a $5,000 all carbon fiber Cervelo when I don't have that kind of change lying around. I would just like to be able to kick more ass.

Maybe I just need to sell some of my other crap and then buy a couple new things. I'll let you know.

Peace.

300 miles and loving it

Yesterday I reached a milestone in my young cycling career: 300 miles so far this summer. I put an odometer on my bicycle at around the 30 mile mark and have gone on several bike trips around the twin cities, farther than I ever thought I would go, and it is awesome.

While it is a very solitary experience, especially since no one I know goes biking for fun, I have learned to relax a bit. Riding, to me, is stretching your comfort zone to new lengths. Where once I would not dare to ride 20 miles even in a car, I do that regularly without a parachute. No tire pump, no patch kit, one water bottle. I carry a $10 bill in case I need anything but I just lock in and ride until I have gone as far as I want to go.

Yesterday was pretty warm, not too windy but hot. I rode out from my place to Hwy, 169 all the way to 394 and then back to almost downtown Minneapolis before I headed to the lakes. Someday I plan to ride a long distance, not just yet, but I am working toward it.

The first 300 miles is over and I feel awesome. Sore, but awesome. I just can't believe I did it.

Peace.

Self-assessment and the family get together

This weekend my cousin Lauren got married. Good for her...

I am 34 years of age. I work at a job I don't really want, live in a place where I really don't love and date someone that I have either been dating too long or I am doing something wrong. And yet I am not doing too bad in life.

I have accomplished most of what I want out of life other than being noticed by pretty much everyone and having everyone love me unconditionally. Those are lofty goals, I realize, but there is something missing from my life and I am either too lazy to go and find it or I have been overlooking it all along.

This weekend held a mirror up to me as I realized that I spend a lot of time living vicariously through others. Whether it is work, play, love or the latest news on the net, I have been feeling as if I am doing something wrong. Most people find the satisfaction in their lives through work or their partner or their children. I spend time inside of my head always trying to figure myself out.

The other night I also happened to go to a movie premiere for one of my college classmates. We weren't the best of friends or anything and I kinda feel like I spent my college time annoying those I saw. Pretty great pre-reunion mindset, I know, and I was very self-conscious when I got there or when I talked to them. I regressed back to wanting them to take notice of me and I am more than likely the hardest person to miss in a crowd.

Then I have the wedding to deal with and I find myself hopping from person to person having shallow world-event conversations with people who just want to knock back a few cocktails to forget about their lives. Meanwhile what I really want to talk about is the things I spend half my time learning here and there.

But what is it all for? I have no clue. I am not myself at a lot of the places I go or doing the things I do. I relate on certain levels but I always feel like an outsider. Saturday was the gift opening and I had a better time, albeit this time I had my computer and my camera with and was able to kind of move in and out and just observe. I found out that not one person asked about what I do other than what I do for a job. People, I think, want to define you as what you do for a living. As someone who doesn't have a lot going on as far a s scaling Mount Everest or having kids, something one can see beyond the outside appearance.

Am I so self-conscious that I need to garner attention wherever I go? How would I handle it if I were to become famous?

I once thought that I was just happy being who I was but now I don't know. I do know that I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and be in the same situation. God, that would be depressing. Maybe I need to read more self-help books?

Pissed off for no good reason

I am tired of my life. Day in and day out it is this lame cycle that goes the same. I do the same thing, go to the same places, with the same people, and work at the same job doing the same thing like a cookie cutter.

I look mostly the same and I still feed the same vices. I make no headway on anything and I don't get any real satisfaction from anything anymore.

What I could use is moving away and starting wholly over with my life. I could do it, I really could. I just need a backpack to carry my TV in...

But seriously I have tried very little, honestly, to change my life. Maybe I am afraid of something or maybe I am just down in the dumps. Whatever it is it is making me lose my smile. I am happy in little spurts these days and can't shake the feeling that I have already achieved the best I will achieve.

I don't want to turn to drugs or alcohol and, if I told anyone other than a blog how I am feeling, I would be ridiculed. How fortunate that this blog is not read by anyone...

Tomorrow I will get up and go for a long bike ride. I may go longer than ever before because I am having problems shaking my insecurities and a good ride seems to make me feel better.

Peace.

Why you are paying more at the pump: My reasoning

Over $4 a gallon for regular unleaded gas. Pretty scaring, considering that, at $2, we freaked out. Now it is doubled in 5 years.

But there is something the media doesn't talk about and it makes me somewhat angry (I try not to get too irate or I get heartburn). It's the last Bush screwing.

I read the news every day. I see how much a barrel of oil costs, watch what we pay at the pump and how much gas we are consuming. The news states that we are driving less and consuming less and buying better fuel-mileage vehicles. Should be driving down prices, right?

The opposite happens and it drives us crazy because we want to be able to travel at ease, not be consumed by the cost of just getting away.

My theory is based on what I have learned and my logic and reason center. I think that we are getting screwed because of both the price of non-innovation that our car companies spent the last century doing. With the commercials selling us cars and trucks based on how many cups we can hold, where we can store things and how many DVD players we can have, they never talked about how much more efficient the engines were getting or even showing me the concept car with the newest engine that gets 100 miles to the gallon. Why? It can't be because we wouldn't eat them up like potato chips. It's because, like our society, everything is disposable and you and I would stop buying more if things lasted.

We are also being hoodwinked by, in our fear of paying too much for gas, the Bush administration wants to give his buddies in the oil industry carte blanche to go find more inventory at the expense of our environment and our pocketbooks.

Did you know that the oil in the Artic National Wildlife Reserve (ANWAR) would never be used in the U.S.? The oil would actually be sold to foreign entities because of the cost to ship it down to us. It would not help us directly.

The fact of the matter is that the holiday for oil companies is coming to an end. When the president leaves office, all of those favors will disappear. Hopefully we will all learn how to live with high gas prices but we will also be able to afford it once he's gone because, well, I feel a sea change coming. I think we will no longer live in the same constant state of fear.

That or I am moving to the moon.

I guess you can't go home

Yesterday was an interesting day, to say the least. No, I am not injured or no one I know died. It was just kinda depressing.

It began when I went along to get my friend Cory's new car looked at. We went to Osseo, MN, where he purchased the car. After getting it checked out and realizing we were just mere miles from my hometown, we decided to visit Anoka.

I lived in or around this small town for my first 18 years of life. I would come home for holidays and the summer until 1998 when my parents moved to Minneapolis. In these years I knew most every major part of this town.

That said, it was heartbreaking to visit. The first part was driving to one of my favorite spots: Hans' Bakery. This small German bakery has been a fixture of Anoka for the better part of four decades. I had been going there for 30 years, off and on. As a child my father would take us there for a raised glazed donut. Awesome! And that was just one kind of donut. The bakery has bee hives and the "Texas" donut, which is the size of a Frisbee! Then there were the donut holes and the apple fritters. I could go on and on but it is too depressing because, upon entering, it was the stark reality that mismanagement after the death of Hans left the bakery in a sad state.

After eating our donuts we drove along Coon Rapids Blvd. where the reality of a changing economy has left barren a once sprawling shopping area. The old Target shell continued a decline that left the additional mall area vacant. Only a Big Lots! remains in what used to be a Rainbow Foods. The sad part is that there is still a neighborhood there, just that the businesses all left.

Cruising farther down I pointed out things that used to be. Most things were gone or changed. Empty business after empty business lay on a once busy thoroughfare. It was severely depressing because it wasn't like there were vacant houses, just vacant businesses.

I realize that times change and things change but it is ultimately sad that you can't go back to where you were from. Nothing is there. Your memories are just that and that which you associate with it has been passed by. Thankfully it is people that live on but all those dead dreams.

How depressing...

I'm dreaming of a nice spring?

The weather is almost depressing. I was, however, very cheerful today, albeit at work and running my ass off.

But now I am done with work and would like to go shopping. I have saved my pennies and can go to Target and Trader Joe's and buy some groceries. That, to me, is awesome.

I just hope I can ride my bicycle tomorrow...

Why do only rich people get to live on lakes/rivers?

I was positing yesterday, as I made my way around the small lakes near my apartment, that all of the houses that are on lakes are more than likely more expensive and, thus, unaffordable to the folks like me. However, when I turned on the television and was watching the news, I watched as a dam burst at Lake Denton and million-dollar vacation (vacation!!!) homes were caught up in the rush of water and were torn asunder.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not against people making an honest living, investing and spending their money. But is it fair that I work just as many hours, went to just as much schooling and keep just as much to a budget and can't even afford the house a mile from the lake?

I think one thing that is inspired in our country is class envy. It is one of the main reasons that conservative voters don't like to raise taxes, even if it is to their benefit and mostly affects the wealthiest of us. I have heard it said that many conservatives still believe that, one day, they will be rich and thus would not want to face the tax burden they had voted for when they were poor.

The reality is that most of us will end up just remaining in an average holding pattern, never achieving the millionaire status, unless, of course, millionaire is the new minimum wage earner and the rich are all trillionaires.

Yes, I do feel sorry for those that lost their homes that used to be on a lake and are now on a river. After hearing the news that most of these homes had no insurance to cover that type of damage, it makes me even feel sad that all was lost.

But it still doesn't excuse the fact that I have to drive to a lake and can't afford to live there. I guess I am just envious, accept for the fact that, in my backyard, I have a pond...

Peace.

Kids and their Cell Phones... Golly Gee!

I just read an article about teens across the country using their cell phones to take nude pictures of themselves and then send them to their significant other, only to have them posted on the internet.

Tell me: What's wrong with this picture? I know, I know, kids will be kids but do parents just not talk their kids anymore?

"Hey Timmy, I sure hope that my absence as a parent won't have lasting affects."

Kids rule the world, I swear. This "Me" generation is going to mess it up, hard. And they are supposed to be our future?

That's it, I'm moving to space...

The farmer and his Dell

Pardon the strange beginning but it is appropriate to the story.

You see, one has to wonder, at which point in history, that the world became so disposable. Was it at the beginning of the industrial era or has it only been over the past century? Any way you slice it, the world is a pretty much made of wastefulness.

I want to take you on a journey to well over a hundred years ago, to a made up place in America where we can only suppose the characters did what I hope they did.

Back then, let's say his name is Sam, and his family were resourceful. They bought what they needed, grew what they ate and made due with what they had. Sam is a farmer and he has tools, buildings, animals and the human will to make a life for he and his family.

I can only imagine the wife making clothes for all of them. I can see Sam making tools and maintaining them to use for years. Say Sam had a hammer. Let's say Sam used it all the time until, one day, the handle split. What can Sam do? Well, he finds a piece of wood and makes a new handle. If his work pants get a hole in the knee, they get a patch.

The point is that, at one point in history, people didn't worry if they had the latest, greatest new toy. They had what they had and used it until, well, it wasn't useable anymore.

I am a victim of this modern trend just as well as everyone around me. I think about this because I took on a project the other day that seems less worth it monetarily than it would be to just give it away and buy something new.

And that is with most things I run into. Everything seems so temporary, other than people. We are all consumed with this sick idea that we need more and more to make up for... What?

So I am working toward using up what I have. I figure I have enough invested in what I have and need not invest in what I don't. I would not like to, years from now, be reading the book I bought ten years prior or finally getting around to using what I bought. I want to be active with what I have and I think everyone should take a good look around and see just what they have and ask themselves what is so important about having more.

In this modern age, with thrift stores, giveaway Web sites and craigslist, we should be more than capable of not only consuming less but shedding that which has become such an anchor around our necks.

Who knows? Maybe we could even force industry to slow down and make products that last longer or work better rather than being rushed out and failing all the time.

Peace.

Writing too much

I have run into a productivity problem as of late. I am writing too much. Not that I am producing any finished product, I am unfocused.

I am writing on several projects that have nothing to do with each other and trying to do too much. I started many years ago coming up with concept after concept, bits of dialogue or pages of fiction that were thoughts put to paper.

For a while I would find that this worked well, since I am scattered as is. But as I stopped finish one work after the other, I had all these works that require a focus that I got, well, too lazy to put in. Now I have many products and no conclusive endings ready to rock out.

My girlfriend asked me, the other day, what I was working on. While I was painting a statue I worked on last week and glueing together the pieces for a short film, I was also trying to work on a screenplay, a short story and three separate plays which are almost half complete. But, when asked, I could not tell her what the plot of the plays were. I just couldn't come up with it. If I had I would be done, I figure. But here I sit, nothing done in the last couple of months.

Having the ADD thing is a tough thing. While it allows one to be creative and do a lot of different things, it never allows for complete satisfaction. I end up toiling a lot, doubting even more and never fully satisfied.

I hope I can figure it out soon so I can move on. I have soooo much in the pipeline and I feel like I am running out of time.

Peace.

Another unnecessary death

Staff Sgt. Ryan Maseth died in January in Iraq. He died while trying to take a shower because he was electrocuted by faulty design. He died without a bullet fired...

As you may well know, I was a member of the Reserve and National Guard for almost 12 years. I don't wear the uniform anymore but I did have a job that I needed to know a crapload about the military for. One thing I know is that people in the military are trained fighting machines. They train to do battle, to do things that promote or resupply the battle or to make sure that those outside the battle are kept up.

But when someone dies, and not the first, from a faulty shower, that is absolutely pathetic. As I was reading the article on CNN, I read that Kellogg, Brown and Root, a subsidiary of Halliburton, only fixes problems in Iraq once they have occurred, and is not doing preventive maintenance, I am, I don't know, wanting to vomit pretty hard.

Imagine if you were given a huge blank check and told to go support the mission in Iraq and you failed to the point that you were killing our own servicemen. How would you live with yourself? Would you need to pardon yourself as you blew your nose into crisp $100 bills?

I think this war is a crock of crap, part of the reason I left in the first place, but this, along with 11 other reported deaths from the SAME THING makes me want to do something rash.

I think I need a cigarette...

A fall and then 18 miles

Today began as any good day off. You don't wake up to an alarm and you get a good breakfast in you. Then you go for a ride.

But all was not perfect, as I learned early on. It started with the frustration of trying to install a bike computer on my road bike. After watching an internet tutorial I had to cut off and reset the cabling twice. When I got it outside I thought "hey, this computer seems off" as I began the ride. Unfortunately I decided to mess with the computer after clipping into my pedals and ended up dumping my bike and me landing on my knee. Man that smarted.

But this did not deter me, no sir. A little blood letting never hurt no one and, after shaking off the initial pain I proceeded to ride to the lakes.

One of the best parts about a long run like today was that it gives one time to take in the scenery and think about nothing but riding. I saw some interesting things along the way: A junior high choir singing in the Lake Harriet Bandshell, the exposed trolley tracks on Xerxes Avenue, a sunbather surfing the internet. All good stuff, really.

All in all I had a pretty good day. I even did some fun shopping, which I don't usually do. Most times I just buy groceries or a cup of coffee (pretty lame) but today I bought some fun stuff that will add to future enjoyment in my life.

I forget that you really don't have to be "complete" if you don't want to be. Completeness is merely a short stop on the road of experience where you forget that the road is not over just because you reach a set destination. There is always something else to look forward to. Who would have thought I would fall in love with cycling at 33? I for one didn't.

Peace.

My back hurts

Has your back ever started hurting for what appears to be no reason? I must be stressing out because, with the day I had, I got some serious pain going on.

It started by getting up an hour before my alarm went off. I hate that, especially since I don't want to be up any earlier. Then I got the bright idea to jump on my bike and ride to work. When I drive to work I never get a good spot to park so I end up walking. If I bike I get a primo spot.

However, due to the negligent actions of someone somewhere not paying attention, my rear tire blew out two blocks from work...

Do you know how much fun it is walking a bike for over a mile? Awesome!!! Especially when it starts raining...

I didn't make crap during my shift, worrying about how much this tire was going to cost me, and needing to leave early to fix it.

The rest of the day wasn't so bad, just sweaty and raining while walking home.

Now my back hurts.

'Night.

Be afraid of the biker shorts!

Today I went out for a ride. I told myself, last night, that I was going to go for a ride in the morning. Understandably I was tired from working the night prior but I was determined to do it. I had all the gear ready... accept for the shorts.

I bought a pair of cycling shorts when I got my other clothing. But today was colder and, well, I am not the most slender of people. I have nice legs but, after trying the things on, I decided against it.

But I did wear my biking cleats. I was nervous about getting the shoe clips, hearing about dropping ones bike on themselves and all but it went smashing. I used to sell the things, for crying out loud! I knew how to put them on and take them off so it wasn't a challenge. Not even the first time I had to stop and get out of the clip.

I did about 4-5 miles, I wasn't counting. I just rode until I got to a comfortable distance and then turned around. It was therapeutic, to say the least. I recommend it to everyone, since gas is going supernova.

See you on the trails!

Peace.

The Server's Advocate: Can I get some?

Tonight I went to work. Mother's Day, of all the days there are. The one day moms get a meal or some stupid treatment. I helped out in the yard. Mom appreciated it.

But, at work, it was utter chaos. Fucking people everywhere, moms and their families eating our fine, fine food. I don't blame 'em but it was just a pain in my ass.

Let me explain: I work a double on Fridays, a late shift on Saturday and then Sunday night. My week is far from over but the hump is Sunday nights. This night, unless last Sunday which was downright depressingly slow, was busy as hell. Unfortunately, for me, it was kinda slow. Sure, busier than most Sunday nights but no easier. Two things didn't help me much.

The first was one of my tables sitting for a couple of hours. Didn't order right away, didn't leave right away. This sucks because a server likes to "turn and burn." Not on this table. Lost about $150 in sales from them not moving. And, of course, they only left 15 percent. Oh, if they only knew...

The second was my party of eight: My first one. Two families, combined at one table, decided that, after they got their bill, which has a standard gratuity, they didn't like it. Now, if you eat $100 worth of food in a restaurant you should realize a server worked to earn your gratuity. Did this table appreciate it? Not at all. The manager, who is supposed to support me and my fellow co-workers, actually took the gratuity off the table, thus leaving it up to the eaters to pick what they wanted to leave. And what did they leave me for all my effort? $6... Total. Not $6 for each $50 tab but $3 from each person.

Half the reason I work where I work is to avoid the cheap ass holes that would come in and eat, gripe and not leave anything. I had plenty of that at Applebee's seven years ago. Now I work in a mall that caters to the spoon-feds and kept people of lovely Edina. People who come to my mall have money and lots of it. They drive Mercedes and other fancy imports. They wear $100 jeans and $5,000 watches. They know how to make money and how to spend it.

Most people who eat at my restaurant know that a server is doing all the work for them aside from eating the food. They realize that, when they ask for something, they get it, and quickly. But to crap all over a server because either you don't know better or because you are cheap, then you might as well stay home. Eating out is for those with money, not a right.

Truth be told, I have come to expect a degree of respect from my tables. I am quick and efficient. I rarely make mistakes and rarely take a long time to do anything for people. That is why I usually get good tips.

My managers seem to have forgotten that they were once in my shoes. Instead they cater to the big picture: The machine. They prefer the machine over the gears. But good gears, when they are gone, can make a well-oiled machine squeak. I'm not saying I am abandoning ship anytime soon (I wish!). No, I just don't think I can stand for this much longer. I think it might be time for some changes. One server suggested that we tell the party that there will be a gratuity before they seat them. If we make that a standard, then they don't get to question it.

I'm done bitching. Got to sleep... Peace.

My diet

I rarely, if ever, get sick. I don't know why. I am not the healthiest of eaters, truthfully. I just don't get sick.

So you may be wondering how I keep healthy? Well, start smoking, first off. I smoke about 5-10 cigarettes a day. Camel turkish Gold is my choice as my last brand is no longer made.

Avoid fast food entirely. Every time used to eat fast food my stomach would reject it almost immediately. After a while you don't even miss it. Then you can force yourself to eat in your house and eat better. Don't cheat and eat frozen pizzas or pre-made dinners. They are just as bad as fast food and have a lot of preservatives.

Lift weights. I don't care if it is a set of 5 lbs. weights, lift them. Put them in a place where they do not get buried in a pile either. I put them next to my bed and lift them all the time.

Sleep. Nap when you can and try to get eight solid hours of sleep. Sleep in and don't go under the covers unless you are planning to sleep for the night. No television in the bedroom either.

Drink coffee. Any variety, just have some everyday. For budget reasons, make some at home. Just make sure you know how to use your espresso maker (mine exploded).

Don't do drugs. As the guy on South Park says, "Drugs are bad, m'kay?" Drinking heavily counts as well. Stop it! Drinking is soooo overrated.

I haven't needed to see a doctor for almost a decade. I missed one day from work being ill from eating at IHOP. (You see).

Peace.

Our economy sucks!

This economy is a tough thing to swallow. Everyday, as America plunges worse and worse into the economy reality we have allowed to occur, we, the citizenry, are learning that it is almost too late to course correct and a tax refund check is very Weimar Republic all over again.

No politician wants to dissuade voters from returning them to their post but the reality is overwhelmingly glum. We all have fun with paying little or nothing for things only to have the consequences erode the ideals of our country. While at once we want to pay $2 for a gallon of gas, we don't cry foul enough for the devaluation of the dollar due to borrowing more than we take in. A nation cannot afford to run deficits forever. It is like refinancing ones home every month rather than making a payment.
No one politician gets on the stump and gives us the reality of the economy. It's too hard to swallow. You can't tell people that their tax dollars, those that they grow angrier everyday about, don't cover what they were supposed to. And far be it for them to tell us that roads and sewers and power lines cost money. The truth is masked to win votes while real issues are swept aside to keep power, plain and simple.
When a politician is willing to admit that we need to tighten our belts and cut programs, both popular and not, then we can start to undo the damage done by the political machine.
We deserve better because we are better. We once had principles, at least in theory, and we constantly tell ourselves that we are the best. During the Great Depression our government and the people pulled us out of the mud and put pride back into our hearts. Even if we are a divided people, we can learn to accept the middle ground and work together to recover.

Let's work together, what do you say?

Can I get a new job?

I am not one to complain without merit. People always get that wrong about me. They think I am cynical but I am not. I am critical, yes, but not cynical. Cynicism is when you look for ways to find all that is wrong with any plan or take issue with what one says to be cruel. I, on the other hand, like to think that I see the bad in the situation and point it out... That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it?

At my workplace it is just a load of fun in the sense that those that control the situation are always, bless their hearts, making things better to make things better... Or so it seems. Like spending money on things that do not affect the operation of a restaurant. I uniforms are great, if you need to feel that your servers need look militant. Then they decided to brand so many things in our restaurant that are unnecessary. They come up with coasters that have some of drinks on them. They come up with writing our company name on the napkins. Why? Because they are afraid that the guest forgets where they are while sitting there? And, if you need to write our drinks on a coaster, then your server isn't selling, they're just serving.

I think more than at any other time in history, we have too many choices for our eating entertainment. I think this had created people who can go to a restaurant not to try anything new but to get what they are comfortable with. I, for one, do not try to stand in the way of these people. I encourage it because, just like them, I like to go to a certain place for a certain thing. Why try to change their minds unless they ask?

And this is why I need a new job. Something where I don't obsess over the stupid things that my job makes me obsess over.

The other day I also figured out that the modern sit-down restaurant is trickled down economics and it makes me ill. I have to beg my monied masters for their pittance so that I may keep my meager lifestyle going. I hate that! I am a liberal, and damn proud of it.

I wish it were easy to move into a career where I actually look forward to showing up everyday. Granted, my dreams are pretty big. I want to be a professional stage or screen writer. I work on plays and screenplays and try to come up with interesting things only to not go anywhere with it. But I keep doing it, in hopes that one day I will make it. But I am fast approaching my mid-30s and I am closing off that point where the Hollywood or Broadway machine want writers to be. Maybe I am way past the cool new kid and into the pathetic wannabe. Motherfucker!

But I'm not giving up, not yet anyway. I actually have three plays I am working on and about three screenplays that are in their early stages... Wish me luck.

Peace.

It's good to be home

I've just finished my ninth shift in seven days. I am, how you'd say, pretty beat?

But I do not get a reprieve. My schedule for next week is the same as this week only different sections. I am being assigned seven shifts per week on a regular basis now.

I really shouldn't complain too much. I mean, if you think about it, I am lucky to have a job, right? If the media is right, the economy is in the toilet. Heck, we should all be thanking our lucky stars to have anything. Housing is slumping, the dollar is weak and getting weaker and oil is not slowing down in price.

I realized, the other day, that being a server is based in the trickled down economy. Sometimes, when those that need to be waited on need to be treated, we hope and pray that they throw us a bone. Sometimes they go above and beyond and others surprise the hell out of you with how cheap they are.

But that's how I get paid. If I didn't get tips but a paycheck, it would be different. I wouldn't need to kiss ass and be as nice to someone who is a jerk. But I do have to and restaurants love that they do not have to pay us more than they are required to by law... Awesome for them.

Peace.

The American can't afford it

I work enough hours at my job to make some money and have some fun. But the reality is that I am stuck in a rut and, frankly, I think a lot of people are in the same rut.

You see, I'm not talking about what one does for a living but rather what that income can get you. If someone makes $30,000 annually, could the afford to buy a house? And, if they could afford a house, could they even afford to keep it?

I wonder this because, with simple lifestyle I have, I can't imagine owning a property on what I make. I could have a roommate, sure, but that's not what I would want. But I have one now and own nothing.

I think that we have gone far off course in America insofar as we all cannot have the dreams because we have been forced into stations, stations where, even if you do what you were supposed to do, you might not get a chance due to something beyond your control.

I like to write. I have compiled dozens of works and work on new things all the time. But the only way I can be a writer of my choosing is to hope that someone, somewhere, gives me a shot. Otherwise I am just another waiter.

I know I went off track there but that's what I am writing today.

Peace.

Too tired to blog so...

... I bring you pictures of monkeys. I love monkeys. I laugh at monkeys.
These monkeys are especially my favorite.

Peace.

Raising interest by lowering mine

As of today I have paid almost nothing down on my student loans. In fact, I have probably paid over $10,000 to move pretty much nowhere near being paid off.

It is a two-fold problem, really. One is that I dare not send large sums as not to put myself in harms way of not being able to make a payment if money were to get tight. The other is the over 7 percent interest I am paying.

Now, as I look at it, I am getting raked over the coals by a low payment in exchange for the next two decades of payments. Yeah!!! Fucking yeah!!!

So I thought about it the other day and am giving thought to taking out a large personal loan and consolidating all of my bills so that I make one payment per month. Only problem is that I can write off my student loan interest during taxes but, then again, I don't think it means that much as far as money in return.

I'm going to have to pay off my debt someday and, if I could, get someplace other than another apartment to live.

But there is a thought that I would love the candidates to talk about during this election and that is lowering the interest on student loans.

Higher education is a privilege and it aught not be. We should all be educated to have skills so that, one day, we can do what we want for a career, not what we have to do. One way is to allow us to borrow the money and repay it without making a profit for the lender. I'm not talking about breaking the bank and putting them out of business but this is an investment into the future of America. Why should we have to be bled dry to have an education? Isn't our ridiculous tuition prices bad enough?

Peace.

Dreaming about work

I work a lot. At a minimum I work five shifts per week. Right now I am in a pattern of having six or more shifts a week. With little free time and a constant feeling of having to do something with my time, I am bordering on being crazy.

But to just pile more on, I also dream about work almost every night. And it isn't just the job I have, waiting tables, but I am back in the Air Force Reserve, something I left behind over a year ago, and I am going nuts by it.

It's not that I don't enjoy what I do. I take great pride in how I do my job and it gives me a comfortable life. But it seems endless right now. The dream dictionary gives me the definition that I feel like I have unfinished business at work but that doesn't apply to my line of work. What I think the dreams mean is that I feel pulled every which direction and have fallen into a pattern where I am becoming more anxious and more aggravated and it will eventually consume me. I found myself going gambling just to get away from all of it only to have that become part of my routine.

So far, and that is a short so far, I am trying to eliminate the bad habits and get into more adventurous ones to spice it up but it's going to be a long, long journey back to what I consider sanity.

Peace.

Our political process

Ah the media. Owned by corporations and giving us what they think we want, what we don't necessarily need, and doing it to make a buck or two. They have struck again and, like most other times, they create their own drama.

This past week we saw Barrack Obama raked over the coals again for making a comment that, frankly, some people, not all, don't agree with. He unfortunately used phrasing that made him appear to be an elitist, pointing to our love of fear and how Pennsylvanians could vote based on their love of guns and God.

Now, don't get me wrong, I hate the idea that voting, the one thing we truly get a say with (take with grain of salt) is based on arbitrary things like your views on religion and firearms but that's the kind of America we live in.

But to not address the issue of why we vote is to not get to the true nature of electing people. When driven by fear, we get presidents like George W. Bush. Playing off the fear that our personal safety is always at stake, we could, hopefully not, elect John McCain. Is that what we want?

Politicians wield a whole lot of power. They can affect commerce, infrastructure and a whole of people's lives. If they so choose, they could get you or I an opportunity to have jobs in our community or put us on the front line of the war.

But what people base their decisions on can be far too complex to give the right, not necessarily the most popular, the job of governance. Some argue that we should have to be informed to vote. Others argue that we should just keep everything exactly the same way.

I would say that we should amp up the qualifications to be a candidate, therefore negating the need to be an informed voter. We could make it so that anyone wanting to be a politico has to have a license to be so. They could have to take a series of courses and exams and get certified to be in government. That way, when it comes to running for office, we know that this person isn't just trying to get into power to get into power.

Right now we are given all stripes of people in power. Most come from being lawyers and businesspeople. The rare few are physicians or actors (really?) and it runs like a popularity contest. But if all had to have the same qualifications then we could be guaranteed that they had all, at minimum, read the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

Of course, that would take me out of the running but, then again, would you vote for an atheist, non-gun-owning liberal? Don't think so.

Peace.

Cory and Ian's Birthday

What could have been horrible, the thought of two over 30s celebrating their birthday in a kid-centric location, actually turned out to be a lot of fun.

Cory and Ian share back-to-back birthdays, albeit two years apart. With this reality, Krista, Ian's wife, and I came up with a plan to meet at Chuck E. Cheese's and celebrate with friends.

I was wary at first, I admit, because, well, Cory sometimes is apprehensive to the thought of going out in venues not of his choosing. However, things turned out fun. We got some pizzas, decent for the price, and got a pretty sweet deal that included 100 tokens, to which we were able to curtail into a night of playing 100 different games.

I also thought Kathleen wouldn't enjoy herself but she had a lot of fun, especially on a game called the "Flaming Finger." It was quite frustrating, actually. Not one of our great, intelligent minds was able to defeat this game, although we all came close.

The prizes for some of the games was tickets which we used to get some crap toys. I think we all had more fun trying to win the prize tickets than actually getting the prizes.

All in all it was a fun day. It start with Kathleen and I getting our respective bicycles. It was unnerving trying to get mine home since I had to use the exterior rack for the first time but it stayed on. Unfortunately the garage where I would be storing it is pretty disgusting, as I noticed all the other bikes were covered in soot.

Happy birthday Cory and Ian!

I like to ride my bicycle...

Okay, I haven't picked it up yet but, Saturday, with a feeling of adventure, I purchased my latest toy: A road bike.

I went to my old company, Erik's Bike Shop, and bought myself the bike I always wanted, sort of. It isn't the latest nor greatest but it will be great for me. Thanks to the tax check most of us will be getting, it will also cost me very little out of pocket.

I am looking forward to a healthy escape from my daily life and this just may be the answer I was looking for.

Normally I am one to go half-hearted into working out. Sure, I lift weights occasionally and, even more ocassionally, I go to the gym but this could be just thing I am looking for.

Most times when one goes out in a car or on foot they have an intention. I drive to a certain place to do a certain thing. With a bike you don't need to have a certain place to go, just the adventure of it.

I will be posting more about my adventures in cycling and hope that I get something out of it. Stay tuned.

The head hurts

Today, after beginning my shift, I felt this strange, painful feeling in my head. Unaware of it throughout the day, I really felt like a cloud dwelt in my skull.

And it didn't go anywhere, not even right now as I write this. It is the feeling of guilt. I am feeling guilty because of my actions the other night when, in another obsessive moment of poor behavior, I found my way to the casino where I managed to lose myself in a cycle of highs and lows that cost me something dear to me: My dignity.

If I had it all to do over again, three years ago, I would have changed things in a heartbeat. That is the thoughts I have now, knowing full well that I enable my bad behavior by giving in, time and again, to the anxiety that builds up in me.

I can't quite put my finger on why I do it. It's not as if I expect something different to happen, it is merely that I need to get away from my life for a couple of hours, the places I know, the people I know. I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed with the life that I have to take the blame for.

But can one ever break a bad cycle on their own? Are the capable of ever regaining the trust that they lose when the promise not to do it again only to do it again?

It is not that I have hurt anyone but myself in my actions. I lose some money, some sleep and, in the end, I reset myself. I feel bad for a couple of days and then get right back to a feeling of normal. But then, after a couple of tough shifts, which seem compounded lately because of being understaffed, I get the urge to break away. I know that I can't fly away or drive out of town so I do the next best thing. I go to the casino where, for a couple of hours, I can escape. But I'm not really escaping, I'm creating a poor place to vent off. I go through a pattern of winning, then losing, then not caring, then spending more and then, sometimes, I get really lucky only to squander that luck and be a loser again. I am a loser, no matter how you slice it.

As much as I would love to put it all behind me, I don't know how. I have created a vicious cycle that goes against character. I don't spend much time in my personal life working so hard on anything. I don't drive myself into the ground any other way. Sure, I work a lot and I get paid handsomely for the effort but I could care less since I make ends meet plus some. I have nothing to strive for other than something so far out of reach that I can't see being debt free anytime soon. So what does it matter? Am I really hurting anyone? Is that even a good justification?

My only available options seem to be going into counseling. You see, I have to learn to be happy and sustain it, not do something painful only to end up regretting it and setting myself back again.

Wish me luck, whatever path I take. It's going to be a tough road.

Peace.

Performance Reviewed

Today I sat down with the manager of my restaurant, Big Bowl, and proved, once again, that if you are a self-conscious person who feels the need to drive themselves crazy by working harder than everyone else, you can get a good performance review.

It was nice to be able to tell my concerns and be told how I did at my job, but I kinda feel like things are necessarily taken seriously when it comes to the quality of workers I have to deal with.

Now, most of the people I work with are "cool" but some are bad apples, not in the way of selling drugs or robbing people but don't really give a crap about the job they are at. Sure, they are there to make money but it is the general sense of apathy that is warming to others who would rather be somewhere else, all the while I am here and trying my best to make ends meet.

Hopefully, at some future time, things will get better. The apathetic ones will either grow up or move on. I would rather they grow up and, for the most part, I am surrounded by older workers (those in their late 20s, 30s) so it isn't all bad.

I'm sure my feelings are no different than any other place on Earth, only that this is the corner I choose to stay in. Bummer for me...

Peace.

Culpability

When you do something, anything, you need to responsible for the outcome of these action. What you do, as much as you say, can have affects long after the words leave your lips or your hands leave that button.

But, as an outside observer of the current state of politics in America, I can only see a lack of responsibility in the halls of government, at least from those who are most visible.

I am using the ideas of culpability and accountability as my battle cry for this political season. Do you what you say you will and don't forget to govern all, not just those you wish. Politicians seem to forget this, living in a bubble that the lowest common denominator become lost in the rhetoric and pep rallies that are currently driving us toward the November elections.

Don't believe me? The politicians speak to change, acting as if, by saying it more and more, it will actually happen. But what changes? Where do those bottom dwellers get their fair shake? And, if they intend to get our votes, hear our voices, will they live up to the ideals set out by the definition of being in a democratic society?

In my travels and through my life, I listen to those voices that I both agree and disagree with. There are those that live a life that is fulfilling and those that pretend to. Often, because of what I have observed, I can see through facades. It's not as if their are intentionally misleading, it is that they are fooling themselves.

A good example is the naive acts of the uninformed. There are those, the majority of voters, that base their decisions on arbitrary pieces of information: Skin color, sex, social status. They strive to understand the controlled messages put out by candidates, not realizing it is mostly snake oil. Promises are made, not kept, and the voter, those who hold faith that their voice was heard, are left without that which they voted for.

I find it interesting that, while we wage war in Iraq, it is not the Republicans that hold themselves to scrutiny over the bad decisions made by their leadership. And yet the Democrats, pretending to want to stop it, don't pull the plug when they have the power to do so. Meanwhile lives, livelihood and future consequences are so simple to rectify that someone like me, an educated, working-class citizen could solve it in a moment.

The term "politics as usual" will be around long after November. The cumulative affect of what went into process decades ago has turned our country into a big turd. While we want to believe all is well, we don't see that the land of the free is sold and we have all become tourists.

so, come November, and later January 20th, 2009, I won't be holding my breath or wringing my hands. I realize the reality is that culpability and accountability are just words critics of the body politic can use to sell books and create conversations at the coffee shops. It's too bad there is no true revolutionaries left in America. And, if there were, the government is way to powerful and complex to actually make a difference... Man, life's a bitch.

Peace.

My adventures in writing

Last year was my most productive year in my writing life. I wrote six plays of varying length and am very proud of each of them. This year, to top that ambition, I would love to finish 10. Now, if you look at most people who aspire to writing plays, they tend to write a couple and then hammer them to death. I did that to a play I barely want to ever look at again (14 drafts so far). However, to finish 10 would be a miracle.

I don't necessarily follow the rules of writing a play. I first start with writing a little dialogue and then try to come up with a scenario later. Often I find the plot somewhere in the first 20 pages or so.

Now, how I could finish 10 plays or scripts this year could be pretty easy, actually. I have at least five that are in the first 20 pages. I also have a couple that are over 50 that could be done in no time.

However, I have about 20 concepts that could be turned into outlines, something most writers do first, and those could either pour out of me or sit on my computer for the rest of time.

Either way, I will try to keep this blog informed of my progress. So far I am not close to being finished with any of them and it is the end of March.

Peace.

Talkin' Politics

The other night was really fun for me. I went out for the first time in a long time. While I was out, I had the chance to discuss one of my favorite topics: Politics.

Now, for me, politics is not a game or a sport. I don't get off on someone getting shunned in the media, like Spitzer or Craig, but I do like when people realize their political leanings and realize what is best for their situation.

Back to my conversation, I got to talk about what I envision for the future of America. Because most people don't realize that they lean to the left, I needed to remind people why being a "liberal" is a good thing.

What I like is the idea of creating new industry in the green world. The term "Green Collar Worker" is a way for Americans of every stripe to make a living. From those that can engineer the new technologies to those that can assemble the products. It is, basically, a way for America to make up for all the jobs we ship to third-world countries.

I also talked to how conservatism only works in a bubble. You see, it works if you live in a little cabin and forage and make your won way but, if you live in the modern world, conservatism doesn't work at all. You see, while people want to be a part of the "me" generation, you have to share the infastructure, the sewage lines and the same power grid. We need roads plowed, paved, rebuilt for our vehicles and for our commerce to move about. We have one world in common. That is one of the main reasons I write this thing, to talk about our commonalities.

This is where I give you ammunition. The next time you get into it with someone wanting to talk about how bad it would be to be with the liberals, tell them that you all share the same world and, like it or not, you have to learn to get along and agree on things.

Peace.

Cruddy day at work

Lately my manager has scheduled me in shifts I am not fond of. I figured out why and it's kinda telling, actually.

You see, when someone works in the service industry, they thrive on the chaos. Sure, there is plenty of down time, on both ends of the shift, but it is the chaos of having to manage so many things in such a short amount of time that we begin to thrive on.

But, with this chaos, I think it comes that you begin to crave the chaos outside of work. Case in point: Living on the edge. People in my industry drink heavily, gamble and pursue activities that, sometimes, push the boundaries. I've worked people into group sex, alcoholics, drug addicts, actors, writers, poets, rappers, musicians, single moms and dads, philosophers, scientists; you name it. But I think it is the drug that is the chaos and reward of waiting tables that make us keep coming back. but is this healthy?

I would say that the lifestyle is at once enviable and pathetic. You hit a glass ceiling pretty quickly and you are constantly trying to win the affection of people so that they will give you money. It is takes one made of stronger stuff to survive. It also creates a physical and mental fatigue that makes one feel like they are working too damn hard for too little reward. My legs haven't felt normal or as strong as they were years ago. I realize we all age but I am not out of shape.

Maybe it is just me but I see, time and again, the same kind of people drawn to my line of work. There is so much baggage and so much story that I wasn't surprised that the movie "Waiting..." was created just for this niche of society.

Hopefully I don't have to do this forever. I would hate to be doing the same thing 6 years from now, when I am 40. Ugh!

Peace.

When you accomplish something...

The life of an artist is never boring. Sure, it may have moments of "blah" but it eventually finds something that you can do or say that makes it more than fun to be alive.

Case in point: Last night Cory, after tireless hours, made a short film for his family on Easter. If you don't know, Cory is my roommate and best friend. We have known each other for over 10 years now (wow!).

Anyhoo, Cory worked until about 5 am today to finish the movie and, tonight, we transfered it to the computer and onto DVD. We watched it over and over, put it to music, and it turned out pretty well.

This, in turn, inspired me to work on some of my plays. This year I plan on finishing a number of first drafts. I have about five that are in the first quarter of being done. However, I have not took off on any one of them yet and cannot, for the life of me, figure out how all of them are going to end. However, I have no doubt that they will come to me and, when they do, I will have more than enough works to consider myself well on my way creatively.

So, whatever inspires you, go with it. It's more than just fun, really. I just hope that I can keep it going before I feel too old.

Peace.

President for all

I figured something out not that long ago: President Bush is not a president for all. In fact, he is president for a rare few and that is hugely, hugely disappointing.

I don't purport to know much about the presidents in our history. However, from what I can figure out, isn't this leader support to be the leader of all people?

Bush has a lot of rhetoric that sounds like he is looking for all Americans but he really isn't. He looks out for special interests and people that have the neoconservative ideals but he doesn't really care for the other half that call themselves liberals. That's too bad, since he told us, in the beginning, that he was a "uniter."

And that's why I like this guy Obama. After watching snippets from the speech he gave yesterday, Tuesday, I have no doubt that this guy has the best of intentions for this country, regardless of his political stripe. A great orator he may be, I hear an intelligence in his words, dating back to the Democratic national convention of 2004. He could be great for this country, especially after the ineffectiveness of Bush and his agenda.

Please, if you read this, research this guy. I think you will like what you see.

The addict next to me

Sitting on the machine, I could tell right away that this woman had had a troubled life.

She mumbled to herself as if she was cursing the heavens for the luck that she had brought upon herself. Even in victory, she cursed both heaven and Earth. But for what reasons, I could not ascertain.

Maybe it was my dumb luck that, without realizing it, maybe this was my opportunity to change the life of someone, affect their direction and set them right. But I let is passed. Without word I sat at my own machine, pushing away and hoping to just abide my time. But I noticed just how sad her face looked. It was aged well beyond its own years, probably from a hard life. Maybe before her appearance at the casino she had gone to the bar. Maybe she had gone away from an abusive husband. I don't know. Should I have cared?

It points to something bigger as well: The individualization of society. Here is sat, less than a foot away from a person who I actually could have communicated with, possibly could have changed the world with (you never know), and I did none of that. I might have said a word or two but nothing more. I affected nothing but maybe envy. Maybe I looked like a person of confidence, even if I wasn't. Any way you look at it, it could have been an opportunity and I chose not to take it.

Withdrawal

Coming down off an addiction is a bitch. 

I've been fighting an urge to do what I refer to as "resetting." What I mean is that, over my life, as I stated before, I never really had a whole lot of money. I made do in college, jumped from job to job in my mid-20s and found myself finally gaining a footing in my late-20s. Well, here I am, on the verge of mid-30s and I am plainly not sustaining a feeling of peace of mind.

Last night I was jonesing for a release from the anxiety that comes from my pathetic addiction. It was the third such night in a week where I could have been impulsive, headed to the casino, and not given a rats ass about how my bank account would look like afterwards. But I stopped, somehow.

It boils down to a need to reset or regain a sense of normal. When you are not used to success you will take whatever emotion comes your way. You can start by trying to be ambitious but that only goes so far until you run into the hurdles. I don't really like hurdles. But, like at a track meet, you can't win that race unless you attempt to jump over the hurdles. No one wins by going around them.

So I sit here today, a chance to have a new day, new anxieties and having to deal with them for another night. It's only been two weeks since I last erred but it is no easier to not just give in and throw caution to the wind. Believe me, I have tried several remedies and little seems to work. I can only hope that I just learn to deal with and try to move on as best I can. I really don't want to have to leave the state or country or the people I surround myself with to get over it, as I like my current situation.

So, day 13 plus 12 hours, I can only hope that I make it just one more day and then after.

Tattoos: More power to you

Dear friends, this is a rant about a pet peeve of mine dating back to the early 1990s. Be warned, I don't care who I offend with this rant. Enjoy.

Tattoos are the one thing I will never got, not in a million years. They mean nothing to me and are a trend that I am far too old to start delving in.

I run into people, every day, that have tattoos and I just don't get it. What could you possible want on your skin for the rest of your life? Does this object define you now or forever? I don't see anything that I would be willing to vouch would be something that would stick with me.

Not to say I don't understand the identity need. People either get them to identify with and object or with others around them. The latter is actually the sadder of the two. People come and go in our lives, it's just a matter of time. Sure, we all assume our friendships endure but the reality is that what was cool when you were a teen is not who you are as an adult. Don't believe me? Why do you think people make money removing them?

The truth is that I must be jealous because getting one would up my badass status. Maybe people would even show me more respect. After all, I got ink done. 

I'm just a bitter old man, I guess. I never caught on to drinking either. I just don't do a lot of things because other people do them. I don't even own a mobile phone, which gets me the weirdest looks, means that I am secure enough in not caring about what others think of me not to just do something because it is cool now.

Getting tattooed, to me, is a fad, plain and simple, and the willingness to spend money to make a statement like that is, in my opinion again, cliche. It used to make a statement long ago but now it is something most people do. Isn't it weird that people without tattoos are now the rare ones? Bee-zar!

Working through a problem: Addiction

I could feel the pull as the clock ticked away. As night approached, I felt a jonesing to make my way to the casino, a place where I have slowly spent a considerable amount of time and money.

But, on the verge of throwing off all that I could have done else, I made a decision to not go. The night prior, feeling the urge as well, I downed half a bottle of wine, something I have never done, in hopes of scaring away the demon. It worked but then there was the next day to contend with.

You would think, once you find your life in order that the need to reset the clock would be the furthest thing from your mind. In my case, it isn't far enough away. Where once I spent time jumping from job to job, never quite fitting in and finding myself searching again for a place to pay the bills, I had finally found that there was something I could do, at the same place for a long period of time, and that I would be able to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

But right before this period three years ago I found myself trying my luck at the casino for the first time in a long time. I hadn't been a habitual gambler up until this point. I had played some games some time but, three years ago, I had no idea what lay ahead. Now, sitting here tonight, I have done nothing to be proud of other than avoid another night of regrettable behavior.

The only good thing that has come out of this is probably the fact that it may have spurred me on to work on my creative pursuit in writing. I have been more prolific in the past three years than at any other time. While I haven't met much success in my writing, I am doing it and getting it out there. But, in trade, I dug a very deep hole that I am now just climbing out of financially.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am glad I made it one more night. It gives me hope for the future, as well, to try and avoid repeating it but, as we all are, I am only as good as I say.

Good luck to anyone trying to overcome a difficulty in their life.

Spitzer and the political stripe

Lest we all forget, idiots are idiots, hypocrites are hypocrites and we all need to just accept that, despite claims to the contrary, we are all human in the end.

Eliot Spitzer, now former governor of the state of New York, did something stupid, despite the fact that he is a Democrat. He did it because he was vain or stupid or both and paid the consequences for his action, plain and simple.

Scandals in politics are just what they are. It comes with the territory and you just need to get used to the idea that powerful people do powerful things because of their personality. 

I don't point at every scandal one party does or another and say that this is because of their political bend. I merely accept that it is a universal truth that people are going to abuse their position in life to get ahead or do things that a seemingly normal person would not do.

One can not lump the actions of one or a few individuals together and claim that all are the same way. This stereotyping has led us, as humans, to do dastardly, despicable things. Maybe we don't hire someone for a job because they're a different skin color, maybe we assume that someone is cheap because of how they dress. We are all guilty of it.

Spitzer is simply a big hypocrite and he got caught. We could assume that, because of his political stripe, all Democrats cheat on their spouses or buy prostitutes but it is simply untrue. So I hope people do not judge others of the same stripe as being the same kind of person because, unlike Spitzer, I've never paid for sex and so haven't a lot of others.

The U.S. Government should be on a budget

I know what you are thinking: We have a budget. However, that budget compensates too readily to exceed the standards set by the institutions in charge.

In Minnesota we supposedly have a balanced budget amendment to our state constitution. This means that we have to either fall in line with spending, cut spending or sell bonds to spend more money.

But, that being said, we need to be more proactive, on the federal level, to set a budget, using the money we have, and work toward paying off our national (read internal) debt.

So easy it sounds, scholars, economists and, worst of all, politicians can't seem to do it. I think it has more to do with a corporatist approach to governance where corporations have too much say in the fed and they get their way until the governing body gets to look as sickly as it does today.

How did our government, of, for and by the people, get to be so whipped? How did it go from representative of the common person to the concerns of the business class? Because, frankly, it is easier to say "yes" to special interests rather than doing the hard choices of being a responsible government.

But this has caused some major league problems in that our government is slowly destroying itself. We can go out in the streets, have parades and wave flags, have fund drives and "go shopping" all we want but the reality is that we need something far more drastic: An overhaul.

First off, we should take some quality time off because work is going to be a bitch. Congress would have to be in session for about one year straight with no breaks. During this one year we would basically throw off all the pork and favors and lobbied ideas. Gone would be such institutions as would distract from the task of governance like perks. I got sick of the idea that working as an elected official is like being set for life. We pay these people way too much to do as little as they do. And, if they want to gripe about this year, we can always put them into the places in the world where the idea of clean drinking water is a luxury and see how they like the view. (Well, that is how I would shut my future children up when the griped that they didn't get the PS5).

Once we have all of Congress doing their job then we give them all the money situation. We show them exactly what they have and then tell them to get to work. They can start by cutting out all the pet projects. Sure, it will be drastic but it is wholly necessary.

Next they get to take a long, hard look at some of the spendiest things they fund. Health care, military, subsidies and education are a few that come to mind. Out can go the dead horses that should have gone out a long time ago. Follow that with realistic looks at what we fund and why. The military could use a really, really big trimming. I figure that we spend way too much on defense spending. Projects that don't work, equipment and vehicles for fighting bigger wars that don't exist and even changing the way we pay our military need to be considered. 

Eventually these now stressed out members of Congress would have to start making big decisions. Maybe they cut out the crap we, the people complain about all the time. Maybe they even throw out so much stuff that they actually get back to the business of governing. 

I could go on and on and I think I am beating a dead horse but I think I got a good idea what our government needs: A good, swift kick in the ass. The privilege of governance is that you get to represent all of the people, whether you truly like them or not. You get to look out for their best interest, even if you don't make a penny off of it.

It shouldn't be a glamorous job and it shouldn't be a popularity contest like its become. It should be about doing the best job we can and lead us into a better world, not just a privileged one.