The head hurts

Today, after beginning my shift, I felt this strange, painful feeling in my head. Unaware of it throughout the day, I really felt like a cloud dwelt in my skull.

And it didn't go anywhere, not even right now as I write this. It is the feeling of guilt. I am feeling guilty because of my actions the other night when, in another obsessive moment of poor behavior, I found my way to the casino where I managed to lose myself in a cycle of highs and lows that cost me something dear to me: My dignity.

If I had it all to do over again, three years ago, I would have changed things in a heartbeat. That is the thoughts I have now, knowing full well that I enable my bad behavior by giving in, time and again, to the anxiety that builds up in me.

I can't quite put my finger on why I do it. It's not as if I expect something different to happen, it is merely that I need to get away from my life for a couple of hours, the places I know, the people I know. I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed with the life that I have to take the blame for.

But can one ever break a bad cycle on their own? Are the capable of ever regaining the trust that they lose when the promise not to do it again only to do it again?

It is not that I have hurt anyone but myself in my actions. I lose some money, some sleep and, in the end, I reset myself. I feel bad for a couple of days and then get right back to a feeling of normal. But then, after a couple of tough shifts, which seem compounded lately because of being understaffed, I get the urge to break away. I know that I can't fly away or drive out of town so I do the next best thing. I go to the casino where, for a couple of hours, I can escape. But I'm not really escaping, I'm creating a poor place to vent off. I go through a pattern of winning, then losing, then not caring, then spending more and then, sometimes, I get really lucky only to squander that luck and be a loser again. I am a loser, no matter how you slice it.

As much as I would love to put it all behind me, I don't know how. I have created a vicious cycle that goes against character. I don't spend much time in my personal life working so hard on anything. I don't drive myself into the ground any other way. Sure, I work a lot and I get paid handsomely for the effort but I could care less since I make ends meet plus some. I have nothing to strive for other than something so far out of reach that I can't see being debt free anytime soon. So what does it matter? Am I really hurting anyone? Is that even a good justification?

My only available options seem to be going into counseling. You see, I have to learn to be happy and sustain it, not do something painful only to end up regretting it and setting myself back again.

Wish me luck, whatever path I take. It's going to be a tough road.

Peace.