Been a lot lately

When life gives you lemons, you are supposed to make lemonade, right?

Well, I don't know about you but I have been holding onto those lemons for a long, long time and am now just realizing that I may have been looking at it all wrong.

So I hold a lemon in my hand, inspect it, and crush it. One by one I am making me some lemonade, just not as progressively as others.

I have spent the last couple of years in what I can only describe as a state of denial. I denied I had a gambling problem, I denied that I was content with my work and my living situation. I looked for escape routes where ever I could find them and I left the country or went to casino or went to Duluth or I just went into more denial and put it all in the back of my brain.

But something wonderful has happened to me as of late. I have done some growing up and realize that it is okay to be 34 years old and it is okay to work where I work, even if it isn't the dream job.

I have also spent a lot more time not letting people run my life for me. These past three days I have planned my life for me, not for anyone else. I called friends who I haven't seen in a while and took a walk out in the cold. I pulled the camera out of the dust. I cleaned things in my apartment that need cleaning. I went through my computer and cleaned out things that I didn't need.

I wrote a play a couple of years ago called "Late Bloomer." It is about someone who traces back through his life only realize all of his missteps make him a stronger person, or at least the person he is. It is partly autobiographical in that I always want to apologize to people for having been who I was when I was that person. So, for every dumb thing I said or did, I wanted to apologize.

But is that how life should go? Should we have to apologize when we are self-conscious or when we actually do things in a malicious manner? I take the later, as it does not benefit one to beat themselves up for their past. I have done plenty of that and, in turn, have denied myself who I could be. It have me an easy out and I was able to not try as hard because, well, I didn't feel deserving of success. But that is going to change. Enough feeling like I don't deserve better. I am better. I am awesome. Screw those that don't understand that or want to put me down to make themselves feel better.

Now is the time to seize my life, make my decisions and make me happy. Good luck to me...

Forecast depressing

Okay, here is the skinny:

I have written a play. I wrote it seven years ago. I re-wrote about 13 more times since then. I have had three readings and have submitted it to several contests around the country. No one has bit.

So I decided, back in August or so, that I would do it my damn self. I had saved some money and found a place to play it and started looking for a director and actors and began putting more and more money away.

Then I held the audition. Only a handful of people showed up and, though we found some people, it didn't fill out the cast. Speed bump one...

Then I made Cory audition and I guess that opened up a can of worms I wasn't expecting. Speed bump two hit this evening when I was informed that I do not have him as my lead because of a lack of faith.

After all this, I am hit with the notion of failure. I have failed to secure the location, failed to secure a cast and just can feel the fail coming on like a bat out of hell.

Am I just being a big baby? I sure hope not.