I have been introspective as of late and I don't like it. Of course, I am introspective most of the time. It's just that it is the thoughts of how my life has gone and the fear of how it will go that makes me sad.
You see, I pile upon myself all of my failures. I look at my life through a negative lens most of the time instead of looking at all of the good I do. That way I can pretend to be a martyr.
The fact that I have accomplished much and don't seem to notice it makes me feel like it might be time to get a therapist. I have traveled to parts of the world, finished college, stayed out of jail, wrote many works of fiction and many works of non-fiction. I haven't killed anybody and tried not to kill many living things, even the house centipedes that have invaded my apartment as of late. And yet the unfinished projects, the unfinished life, the times I tired of the things I have attempted, all surround my neck with anchors.
This morning I remembered going to the football team in college and trying to walk on. The only problem was that I started and gave up. Sure, I had never played organized football in my life but I was naturally gifted with size and good hands. I could get faster and stronger and I was still young. I could have learned how to play but, instead, I stopped showing up. So, even if I had failed to make the cut, I could have said I tried. That was 13 years ago and yet I find myself thinking about it today.
This past summer I bought a bicycle and started riding constantly. I put 600 miles in so far. I am done yet but I am already afraid that I will quit or grow tired of it. If I work harder at it, I could go into the races. If I don't then I can say that I just like to ride. I guess this is my chance to show up and try again, try to stick it out when it gets tough.
But, so far, my life has been a lot of failure in that the things that are difficult, the big decisions, I have avoided. So here I sit, wondering if it will ever be different... Stay tuned.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Oil pricing
Turns out that oil speculation is the reason for the price fluctuation in recent memory. You see, big investors bought and sold enough shares of the commodity to send the prices up to $145/barrel in July and sold enough to have it drop below $104/barrel today.
The government claims it is going to try and curb this trend but isn't it a bit late for that? Shouldn't we all be issued some sort of refund and those that took profit have to pay for it? Just a thought.
The government claims it is going to try and curb this trend but isn't it a bit late for that? Shouldn't we all be issued some sort of refund and those that took profit have to pay for it? Just a thought.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Getting to that "good place"
I have never been one who was good at self-forgiveness. I always felt that I was extra flawed, which is funny because the judgmental side of me looks at the actions of others and shakes his head.
But the truth is that I beat myself up a lot, and for no good reason. I mean, yes, if you mess people over or go out of your way to intentionally hurt someone, you are a jerk and need to do some good old-fashioned soul searching.
But that is not why I am having difficulty with self-forgiveness. You see, I come down hard on myself for all of the little dumb things I do. Then, instead of truly learning that it is not the worst thing in the world, I go through a cycle where it takes me days of feeling like crap until I get over the action.
Last night is a perfect example: I was dealing with a table that happened to order a drink that we ran out of on the tap. I offered them some free beverages in lieu of the fact, which they gladly accepted, and then proceeded to discount a different item on their bill to offset the cost. Now, what I should have done was taken the drinks themselves off but I, for some dumb reason, took off a different item that cost nearly as much.
The thing went bad when I tried to explain my strange method and the table got mad at me. They wished to speak to a manager about it but, stupidly, I did not get the manager involved but took off the drinks and the item and so they got a lot free that night.
Well, of course, I got zero tip and that sinking feeling that they were going to call the store after they left. They did not but they still could.
So, you can see why I feel bad. I did it the wrong way and it bit me in the ass. And so I sit here, the next day, dreading and additional pain.
I always look at things from worst-case scenario. The worst case is that my actions, the not getting the manager involved, will lose me my job. A job I do not love, mind you, but it helps to pay the bills.
But it is not healthy, according to WebMD, to not forgive yourself for making mistakes, no matter how trivial. It usually takes a good shift to make up for that isolated moment. What is even sadder is that, the next table, they didn't read the menu correctly and ordered the more expensive of the two sizes of wines. Usually, and I mean 99 percent of the time, people order the size they want. This table didn't notice that there were two prices, even though they were looking at the wine menu, and wanted to "pay" for the 1/2 glass but did, indeed, drink the full glass. So, an isolated incident made it worse.
Nonetheless, it was an okay night with okay money. I just wish that I had not being so anxious and done the right thing. I guess that's all a part of learning.
But the truth is that I beat myself up a lot, and for no good reason. I mean, yes, if you mess people over or go out of your way to intentionally hurt someone, you are a jerk and need to do some good old-fashioned soul searching.
But that is not why I am having difficulty with self-forgiveness. You see, I come down hard on myself for all of the little dumb things I do. Then, instead of truly learning that it is not the worst thing in the world, I go through a cycle where it takes me days of feeling like crap until I get over the action.
Last night is a perfect example: I was dealing with a table that happened to order a drink that we ran out of on the tap. I offered them some free beverages in lieu of the fact, which they gladly accepted, and then proceeded to discount a different item on their bill to offset the cost. Now, what I should have done was taken the drinks themselves off but I, for some dumb reason, took off a different item that cost nearly as much.
The thing went bad when I tried to explain my strange method and the table got mad at me. They wished to speak to a manager about it but, stupidly, I did not get the manager involved but took off the drinks and the item and so they got a lot free that night.
Well, of course, I got zero tip and that sinking feeling that they were going to call the store after they left. They did not but they still could.
So, you can see why I feel bad. I did it the wrong way and it bit me in the ass. And so I sit here, the next day, dreading and additional pain.
I always look at things from worst-case scenario. The worst case is that my actions, the not getting the manager involved, will lose me my job. A job I do not love, mind you, but it helps to pay the bills.
But it is not healthy, according to WebMD, to not forgive yourself for making mistakes, no matter how trivial. It usually takes a good shift to make up for that isolated moment. What is even sadder is that, the next table, they didn't read the menu correctly and ordered the more expensive of the two sizes of wines. Usually, and I mean 99 percent of the time, people order the size they want. This table didn't notice that there were two prices, even though they were looking at the wine menu, and wanted to "pay" for the 1/2 glass but did, indeed, drink the full glass. So, an isolated incident made it worse.
Nonetheless, it was an okay night with okay money. I just wish that I had not being so anxious and done the right thing. I guess that's all a part of learning.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Sarah Palin is going to be outed as a liar
Today a bomb got dropped on the McCain-Palin ticket: Bristol Palin is 5 months pregnant. You know what? I honestly believe it is her second child. Why? Well, there is a lot of evidence pointing to her "younger sibling" Trig being her child, not her brother.
But who knows, really? Sarah Palin, her daughter, and Jesus?
My problem is that she is a huge hypocrite. Being a parent, to me, means that you practice what you preach. You want to let your underage daughter get pregnant? Then don't act like you are so perfect. Republicans act like they know better all the time. It pisses me off. If that want to point at liberals and say that we think we are so smart, then start behaving like you want others to behave.
People are going to "forgive" the actions of Palin and her daughter but it smells, to me, like a cover up. That's too bad. It means that, if the truth were to come out, then McCain not only picked a crappy running mate but women, in the Republican party, will lose even more traction.
I just wish that this wasn't such a pathetic story.
But who knows, really? Sarah Palin, her daughter, and Jesus?
My problem is that she is a huge hypocrite. Being a parent, to me, means that you practice what you preach. You want to let your underage daughter get pregnant? Then don't act like you are so perfect. Republicans act like they know better all the time. It pisses me off. If that want to point at liberals and say that we think we are so smart, then start behaving like you want others to behave.
People are going to "forgive" the actions of Palin and her daughter but it smells, to me, like a cover up. That's too bad. It means that, if the truth were to come out, then McCain not only picked a crappy running mate but women, in the Republican party, will lose even more traction.
I just wish that this wasn't such a pathetic story.
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