Failure is the only option

I have been introspective as of late and I don't like it. Of course, I am introspective most of the time. It's just that it is the thoughts of how my life has gone and the fear of how it will go that makes me sad.

You see, I pile upon myself all of my failures. I look at my life through a negative lens most of the time instead of looking at all of the good I do. That way I can pretend to be a martyr.

The fact that I have accomplished much and don't seem to notice it makes me feel like it might be time to get a therapist. I have traveled to parts of the world, finished college, stayed out of jail, wrote many works of fiction and many works of non-fiction. I haven't killed anybody and tried not to kill many living things, even the house centipedes that have invaded my apartment as of late. And yet the unfinished projects, the unfinished life, the times I tired of the things I have attempted, all surround my neck with anchors.

This morning I remembered going to the football team in college and trying to walk on. The only problem was that I started and gave up. Sure, I had never played organized football in my life but I was naturally gifted with size and good hands. I could get faster and stronger and I was still young. I could have learned how to play but, instead, I stopped showing up. So, even if I had failed to make the cut, I could have said I tried. That was 13 years ago and yet I find myself thinking about it today.

This past summer I bought a bicycle and started riding constantly. I put 600 miles in so far. I am done yet but I am already afraid that I will quit or grow tired of it. If I work harder at it, I could go into the races. If I don't then I can say that I just like to ride. I guess this is my chance to show up and try again, try to stick it out when it gets tough.

But, so far, my life has been a lot of failure in that the things that are difficult, the big decisions, I have avoided. So here I sit, wondering if it will ever be different... Stay tuned.