I've been fighting an urge to do what I refer to as "resetting." What I mean is that, over my life, as I stated before, I never really had a whole lot of money. I made do in college, jumped from job to job in my mid-20s and found myself finally gaining a footing in my late-20s. Well, here I am, on the verge of mid-30s and I am plainly not sustaining a feeling of peace of mind.
Last night I was jonesing for a release from the anxiety that comes from my pathetic addiction. It was the third such night in a week where I could have been impulsive, headed to the casino, and not given a rats ass about how my bank account would look like afterwards. But I stopped, somehow.
It boils down to a need to reset or regain a sense of normal. When you are not used to success you will take whatever emotion comes your way. You can start by trying to be ambitious but that only goes so far until you run into the hurdles. I don't really like hurdles. But, like at a track meet, you can't win that race unless you attempt to jump over the hurdles. No one wins by going around them.
So I sit here today, a chance to have a new day, new anxieties and having to deal with them for another night. It's only been two weeks since I last erred but it is no easier to not just give in and throw caution to the wind. Believe me, I have tried several remedies and little seems to work. I can only hope that I just learn to deal with and try to move on as best I can. I really don't want to have to leave the state or country or the people I surround myself with to get over it, as I like my current situation.
So, day 13 plus 12 hours, I can only hope that I make it just one more day and then after.
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