Self-assessment and the family get together

This weekend my cousin Lauren got married. Good for her...

I am 34 years of age. I work at a job I don't really want, live in a place where I really don't love and date someone that I have either been dating too long or I am doing something wrong. And yet I am not doing too bad in life.

I have accomplished most of what I want out of life other than being noticed by pretty much everyone and having everyone love me unconditionally. Those are lofty goals, I realize, but there is something missing from my life and I am either too lazy to go and find it or I have been overlooking it all along.

This weekend held a mirror up to me as I realized that I spend a lot of time living vicariously through others. Whether it is work, play, love or the latest news on the net, I have been feeling as if I am doing something wrong. Most people find the satisfaction in their lives through work or their partner or their children. I spend time inside of my head always trying to figure myself out.

The other night I also happened to go to a movie premiere for one of my college classmates. We weren't the best of friends or anything and I kinda feel like I spent my college time annoying those I saw. Pretty great pre-reunion mindset, I know, and I was very self-conscious when I got there or when I talked to them. I regressed back to wanting them to take notice of me and I am more than likely the hardest person to miss in a crowd.

Then I have the wedding to deal with and I find myself hopping from person to person having shallow world-event conversations with people who just want to knock back a few cocktails to forget about their lives. Meanwhile what I really want to talk about is the things I spend half my time learning here and there.

But what is it all for? I have no clue. I am not myself at a lot of the places I go or doing the things I do. I relate on certain levels but I always feel like an outsider. Saturday was the gift opening and I had a better time, albeit this time I had my computer and my camera with and was able to kind of move in and out and just observe. I found out that not one person asked about what I do other than what I do for a job. People, I think, want to define you as what you do for a living. As someone who doesn't have a lot going on as far a s scaling Mount Everest or having kids, something one can see beyond the outside appearance.

Am I so self-conscious that I need to garner attention wherever I go? How would I handle it if I were to become famous?

I once thought that I was just happy being who I was but now I don't know. I do know that I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and be in the same situation. God, that would be depressing. Maybe I need to read more self-help books?