Been a lot lately

When life gives you lemons, you are supposed to make lemonade, right?

Well, I don't know about you but I have been holding onto those lemons for a long, long time and am now just realizing that I may have been looking at it all wrong.

So I hold a lemon in my hand, inspect it, and crush it. One by one I am making me some lemonade, just not as progressively as others.

I have spent the last couple of years in what I can only describe as a state of denial. I denied I had a gambling problem, I denied that I was content with my work and my living situation. I looked for escape routes where ever I could find them and I left the country or went to casino or went to Duluth or I just went into more denial and put it all in the back of my brain.

But something wonderful has happened to me as of late. I have done some growing up and realize that it is okay to be 34 years old and it is okay to work where I work, even if it isn't the dream job.

I have also spent a lot more time not letting people run my life for me. These past three days I have planned my life for me, not for anyone else. I called friends who I haven't seen in a while and took a walk out in the cold. I pulled the camera out of the dust. I cleaned things in my apartment that need cleaning. I went through my computer and cleaned out things that I didn't need.

I wrote a play a couple of years ago called "Late Bloomer." It is about someone who traces back through his life only realize all of his missteps make him a stronger person, or at least the person he is. It is partly autobiographical in that I always want to apologize to people for having been who I was when I was that person. So, for every dumb thing I said or did, I wanted to apologize.

But is that how life should go? Should we have to apologize when we are self-conscious or when we actually do things in a malicious manner? I take the later, as it does not benefit one to beat themselves up for their past. I have done plenty of that and, in turn, have denied myself who I could be. It have me an easy out and I was able to not try as hard because, well, I didn't feel deserving of success. But that is going to change. Enough feeling like I don't deserve better. I am better. I am awesome. Screw those that don't understand that or want to put me down to make themselves feel better.

Now is the time to seize my life, make my decisions and make me happy. Good luck to me...

Forecast depressing

Okay, here is the skinny:

I have written a play. I wrote it seven years ago. I re-wrote about 13 more times since then. I have had three readings and have submitted it to several contests around the country. No one has bit.

So I decided, back in August or so, that I would do it my damn self. I had saved some money and found a place to play it and started looking for a director and actors and began putting more and more money away.

Then I held the audition. Only a handful of people showed up and, though we found some people, it didn't fill out the cast. Speed bump one...

Then I made Cory audition and I guess that opened up a can of worms I wasn't expecting. Speed bump two hit this evening when I was informed that I do not have him as my lead because of a lack of faith.

After all this, I am hit with the notion of failure. I have failed to secure the location, failed to secure a cast and just can feel the fail coming on like a bat out of hell.

Am I just being a big baby? I sure hope not.

Putting my apartment back together

Okay, here is the skinny:

Over the past summer my apartment has fallen apart on many levels. The first was a gutter problem that forced water to enter my apartment through my bedroom wall. I didn't find out about the leak until it had destroyed a couple of things in my bedroom (and pissed me off to no end).

The second is Cory's shower, which, I guess, has been leaking between the tiles for quite some time. So Cory has been without a shower now for 3 weeks. Oh, if you didn't know, we each have our own bedrooms, albeit mine is in the public area.

Two weeks ago the third catastrophe hit our apartment when our dishwasher stopped working properly. So, now I am a manual dishwasher. Awesome!

well, some good news came our way. The gutter got fixed and the hole patched. This morning I put the bookcase back into place (it is 7 feet tall and weighs a ton). Now I can see out of all of my windows again!

Cory got a call this morning that I can only assume meant that they would be starting on his shower soon. And, on Wednesday, they should be coming in to work on the dishwasher.

This is the last, I repeat, last year I will live in this apartment. I don't care if they were to paint the walls, put in new cupboards or colored carpet. This is year number four and I haven't lived anywhere this long since becoming an adult. Besides, Edina is okay but it is not the urban life I dreamt of. I want my latte from across the street. Same with a pizza or a bar (if I ever decide to drink heavily). I just need things to be within walking distance, that's all. And character. My apartment has no character and a crappy, slow elevator to go to my car.

But the bookcase is back in place and my room looks less like a construction zone.

Peace.

Consumerism: Spend less

This morning I logged into my Wells Fargo account and did something I like to do with my "my money" week income: I paid down my bills and transferred money to my credit card.

I know this is something one should do all of the time but it took me longer than most to really build up a head of steam. You see, for most of my adult life, I have been in love with the trappings of making money rather than the eventual having of money for a future expenditure.

It all started when I bought my most extravagant purchase in my adult life: My television. Forty-two inches diagonal, 1080p and having all the bells and whistles one could ask for, I struggled for weeks with the intention of purchasing an LCD television. One day, on a whim, now it seems, I went to the store and took out an interest-free, three-year loan to buy an $1,800 television (including warranty and DVD player). But that's when it hit me.

Most of the last couple of years, finally achieving constant employment and a steady income, I finally realized I made a big mistake. I didn't need this television. And, if the television lasts for 10 years, it cost nearly $200/year to own it. What the hell was I thinking?

Compounding it with my recent love of cycling, another $2,000 spent this summer, and gambling, $3,500/year on average, and it's no wonder that I am debt-laden and pondering the life of minimalist.

What it all comes down to is that, after years of bad habits, I realize I got caught up in an expensive lifestyle. Thank goodness I make enough money to have this lifestyle but it has buried me. I owe more money, at present, than I make in a year (including student loans). I realize that, at minimum payments, I could only knock my debt down by $3,000 in the next year. Only $3,000! Meanwhile I would be paying $2,400 in interest over that time!

Most people who find themselves in over their heads try to change when it is too late. Not me. I started a couple of months ago. Any extra money I have in a month is going to be broken up as such: Additional $10/month to television, $50 extra to credit card, $50 to savings and changing the minimum payment to student loan by $25. Hopefully, in a year (or less) I have no television payment, cut my credit card by 1/3 and, finally, got my total debt below my annual pre-tax income.

Let's just hope I don't want some new toy. So far, so good.

Peace.

My billion-dollar idea

After a recent trip to the area known as Duluth, I have come up with a plan to make the best place on Earth.

Okay, maybe not the best place on Earth, since I haven't been many places, but it could be the best place to come along in a long time.

I started by contacting the mayor of Duluth, who hasn't written me back yet, about an idea to revitalize the area and make Duluth one of the best places to live.

Okay, I am beating around the bush a bit but I am tired. The idea is pretty simple and holds very little risk. What you do is you take the existing land in Duluth and you take all of the open spaces in the harbor and all of the open office spaces you can think of and zone them "Green." This would mean that only companies that follow the idea of making eco-friendly products could build in them.

Secondly, you convince companies, both established and startup, to move their assembly and production to Duluth. Utilizing tax incentives and lower the price of slip space, you attract eco-minded companies to the new "friendliest port in the world."

Once you convince them to come, you have the depressed workforce create the facilities and new infrastructure necessary to house factories and ship-building areas in the harbor. All of this could be done with a little elbow grease, a lot of determination, and little money on the part of the city.

The idea would be to create a win-win situation for Duluth and the world. If it succeeds, and, as I see it, it could not lose, we gain a port of excellence where not only do we revitalize a depressed area but we also create a model for the rest of the world to follow.

I am very enthusiastic about this and I think that it would cost very little on the part of the city and would add jobs, do good for the world, and bring pride to an area that deserves it.

Let's just hope I get a chance to be heard.

October musings

I haven't written in a while and that is okay because I haven't really been in the mood.

But since I last wrote I have ventured to Duluth where I revisited my past and helped my current perspective, got sick and did something political (other than gripe about it).

First off is the trip to Duluth. Gone were some of my former haunts and changed were my beloved campus of my early 20s. The house I last resided in, with Cory, my roommate, was abandoned and is probably in foreclosure. Looks pretty much how it did 9 years ago when I left. The campus has been updated and upgraded with more consumerism is mind yet, it seems, less of an academic feel. I found it funny when, asking for the use of a pen, a young student did not have more than one writing tool in his bag. So what does this young academic do when he loses his one pen? Huh? Tell me! (As a waiter I carry 6 pens and a marker).

What struck me as great about the journey was that, eventhough I was a tourist, I felt I could have easily acclimated to the city if I so chose to move back.

And then was getting sick. The morning after my trip I awoke to feeling like crap and decided to sleep most of the day and most of the following day. I did go to work and finished my shifts but I was so out of it, last night, that I felt like I wasn't there. I rarely fall ill, maybe once every other year, but this was definitely not a fun one.

As far as political participation, I went canvassing for the Obama campaign. It was fun and I also met a nice guy named Ben who works in the entertainment industry so I made a possible future ally. We'll see, though.

All in all, it has been an interesting week. I am beginning preparation for my first production this January and Ben gave me a good idea to have a party to raise money for the production. We'll see how that goes.

Peace.

Failure is the only option

I have been introspective as of late and I don't like it. Of course, I am introspective most of the time. It's just that it is the thoughts of how my life has gone and the fear of how it will go that makes me sad.

You see, I pile upon myself all of my failures. I look at my life through a negative lens most of the time instead of looking at all of the good I do. That way I can pretend to be a martyr.

The fact that I have accomplished much and don't seem to notice it makes me feel like it might be time to get a therapist. I have traveled to parts of the world, finished college, stayed out of jail, wrote many works of fiction and many works of non-fiction. I haven't killed anybody and tried not to kill many living things, even the house centipedes that have invaded my apartment as of late. And yet the unfinished projects, the unfinished life, the times I tired of the things I have attempted, all surround my neck with anchors.

This morning I remembered going to the football team in college and trying to walk on. The only problem was that I started and gave up. Sure, I had never played organized football in my life but I was naturally gifted with size and good hands. I could get faster and stronger and I was still young. I could have learned how to play but, instead, I stopped showing up. So, even if I had failed to make the cut, I could have said I tried. That was 13 years ago and yet I find myself thinking about it today.

This past summer I bought a bicycle and started riding constantly. I put 600 miles in so far. I am done yet but I am already afraid that I will quit or grow tired of it. If I work harder at it, I could go into the races. If I don't then I can say that I just like to ride. I guess this is my chance to show up and try again, try to stick it out when it gets tough.

But, so far, my life has been a lot of failure in that the things that are difficult, the big decisions, I have avoided. So here I sit, wondering if it will ever be different... Stay tuned.