Getting to that "good place"

I have never been one who was good at self-forgiveness. I always felt that I was extra flawed, which is funny because the judgmental side of me looks at the actions of others and shakes his head.

But the truth is that I beat myself up a lot, and for no good reason. I mean, yes, if you mess people over or go out of your way to intentionally hurt someone, you are a jerk and need to do some good old-fashioned soul searching.

But that is not why I am having difficulty with self-forgiveness. You see, I come down hard on myself for all of the little dumb things I do. Then, instead of truly learning that it is not the worst thing in the world, I go through a cycle where it takes me days of feeling like crap until I get over the action.

Last night is a perfect example: I was dealing with a table that happened to order a drink that we ran out of on the tap. I offered them some free beverages in lieu of the fact, which they gladly accepted, and then proceeded to discount a different item on their bill to offset the cost. Now, what I should have done was taken the drinks themselves off but I, for some dumb reason, took off a different item that cost nearly as much.

The thing went bad when I tried to explain my strange method and the table got mad at me. They wished to speak to a manager about it but, stupidly, I did not get the manager involved but took off the drinks and the item and so they got a lot free that night.

Well, of course, I got zero tip and that sinking feeling that they were going to call the store after they left. They did not but they still could.

So, you can see why I feel bad. I did it the wrong way and it bit me in the ass. And so I sit here, the next day, dreading and additional pain.

I always look at things from worst-case scenario. The worst case is that my actions, the not getting the manager involved, will lose me my job. A job I do not love, mind you, but it helps to pay the bills.

But it is not healthy, according to WebMD, to not forgive yourself for making mistakes, no matter how trivial. It usually takes a good shift to make up for that isolated moment. What is even sadder is that, the next table, they didn't read the menu correctly and ordered the more expensive of the two sizes of wines. Usually, and I mean 99 percent of the time, people order the size they want. This table didn't notice that there were two prices, even though they were looking at the wine menu, and wanted to "pay" for the 1/2 glass but did, indeed, drink the full glass. So, an isolated incident made it worse.

Nonetheless, it was an okay night with okay money. I just wish that I had not being so anxious and done the right thing. I guess that's all a part of learning.

Cruddy day at work

Lately my manager has scheduled me in shifts I am not fond of. I figured out why and it's kinda telling, actually.

You see, when someone works in the service industry, they thrive on the chaos. Sure, there is plenty of down time, on both ends of the shift, but it is the chaos of having to manage so many things in such a short amount of time that we begin to thrive on.

But, with this chaos, I think it comes that you begin to crave the chaos outside of work. Case in point: Living on the edge. People in my industry drink heavily, gamble and pursue activities that, sometimes, push the boundaries. I've worked people into group sex, alcoholics, drug addicts, actors, writers, poets, rappers, musicians, single moms and dads, philosophers, scientists; you name it. But I think it is the drug that is the chaos and reward of waiting tables that make us keep coming back. but is this healthy?

I would say that the lifestyle is at once enviable and pathetic. You hit a glass ceiling pretty quickly and you are constantly trying to win the affection of people so that they will give you money. It is takes one made of stronger stuff to survive. It also creates a physical and mental fatigue that makes one feel like they are working too damn hard for too little reward. My legs haven't felt normal or as strong as they were years ago. I realize we all age but I am not out of shape.

Maybe it is just me but I see, time and again, the same kind of people drawn to my line of work. There is so much baggage and so much story that I wasn't surprised that the movie "Waiting..." was created just for this niche of society.

Hopefully I don't have to do this forever. I would hate to be doing the same thing 6 years from now, when I am 40. Ugh!

Peace.